I went to my good friend Sally’s house for about a
week. When it wasn’t hot, it was
raining. When it wasn’t doing either of
those, I was getting my butt kicked by some young upstart punk. The H.O.G.S. will be retaliating for this act
of aggression so you better watch your back, Daisy! I’m tougher-looking now because I have a big
gash on the side of my neck with a bunch of dried blood on it. Back on the mean streets of Salem it has
enhanced my reputation as a legitimate tough guy. People and pets are clearing
the way when I walk down Essex Street now!
That is what a good battle wound will do for you, but my dad, the big
buzz-kill, asserts that people are getting out of my way because I look like
I’m sick.
Yesterday I had to go see the vet. I really like Dr. Story, but do not enjoy it
when he squirts medicine in my nose and puts things in my butt. It is very hard to protect both places at
once. To make a long story short,
despite my general standoffishness I ended up getting my kennel cough vaccine
in the nostril and violated in the bathing suit area. They said it was for the best because I
needed something or other drained back there (I thought it smelled awesome, but
everyone else was disgusted). I hardly
see how it was worth it. On top of that
my crunchy, matted battle scar area was shaved and cleaned up. I look like a fool with a bald patch from my
cheek to my shoulder and I’m wearing a stupid cone so I can’t scratch it. Does anyone know how aggravating this is? I’d
rather be tied down and spanked. The scratching
is critical because it keeps the badge of honor looking fresh and garners
attention. With this dumb cone, the
anti-itch cream, and antibiotics (I’m not stupid. I know you’re putting them in the
hummus. Seriously, when have I ever had
hummus?), it’s definitely going to heal now.
To make matters worse, when they took the torturous clippers to the area
and returned me to my dad he said, “THAT’S IT?”
So somehow he doesn’t think I earned “street cred” because all I have is
a little puncture wound? I wish he
could’ve seen it right after it happened.
It was awesome. Dad was all mad
because he said we have clippers at home and had he known it was “like a bug
bite” he would’ve just done it himself and saved eighty bucks. He mumbled something about the cost of
shaving a dog’s neck and some antibiotics are more than it costs to feed me for
6 weeks. I just hope he doesn’t follow
through with his threats to switch from my current rations (Taste of the
Wild—100% wild game meat and some sweet potatoes) to something cheaper like “OL’
ROY” from Wal-mart. That stuff is like
36% cardboard, 40% cornmeal, 24% road-kill trimmings, and another 20% insect
parts. And everyone thinks my back end
smells bad now! I heard about a dog once
that accidentally ate some OL’ ROY he found in an alley and he ended up
cross-eyed with really bad breath.
My afternoon at the
vet ended with a trip to the scale. You
may recall that at the start of the summer I embarked on a weight loss
journey. This was called,”My 10
Pound Summer.” I was a stylish
92 lbs. at one point in June, but I’m currently happy to report I’m a svelte
87.6lbs, which Dr. Story quickly pointed out was a 0.6 lb increase since my
last exam. There was much discussion
between my dad and Dr. Story. I heard
things like, “I think he’ll always struggle with his weight” and “I doubt it’s
his thyroid.” Hello, I’m right here and
I can hear you! Geez! I have now moved
into a different phase of my weight-loss journey. It is called, “Just try to keep him under 90
for the next year” or my “Gain up to 2.3 pounds Autumn.” I’ll keep you posted.
