Essex Side Story

I just wanted everyone to know that I’m starting a gang.  The facts are below.

Gang name:  The H.O.G.S  (Hounds of Greater Salem) or H.O.E.S (Hounds of Essex Street).  We will vote on it when we have our first meeting and then I’ll decide.

Founding Members:  Me, Bailey, and Cyrus.

Actively Recruiting/Pledges:  Mille and Abbott

Actively Not Recruiting:  The stupid white poodle next door.

 

Rival Gangs:  The D.O.C.S (Dogs of Chestnut Street) and the D.O.R.C.S  (Dogs of Revere Condominiums)

Friendly Associations:  Topsfield Hounds,

Mission Statement:  I think mission statements are stupid and I’ll never be able to remember it so we aren’t going to have one, but pretty much we are trying to make Salem completely leash-free so it is easier to chase cats and squirrels.  Also, I want the white poodle to move.

Credo:  Long walks, big treats, no cats, no leash.

Gang hangouts:  Gulu-Gulu Café and the Village Tavern.  Also Leslie’s Retreat dog park and the Pickering Wharf area (We refer to it as Pickering Woof)

Activities:  Shedding and Mayhem.  Some philanthropic work with Northeast Animal Shelter.

Current News:   There is currently disaccord amongst the H.O.G.S. and an affiliate branch, the D.O.C.S. (Dogs of Chestnut Street).  Tensions rose as a D.O.C (probationary charter) violated squirrel-chasing treatise and H.O.G.  guidelines while on an otherwise routine mid-afternoon walk.

Active Members

Cooper:   Founding Father 

                Special Skills:  Con Artist and Grifter

                Alias:  C-Train

Bailey:  Right hand and huge fan of Joey Chestnuts

                Special Skills:  Disposal, especially of dirty socks

                Alias:  The Cleaner

Cyrus:  Hangs with Bailey and so I had to make him a member

                Special Skills:  Intimidation, Scary-looking

                Alias:  The Virus (If you get too close to him, you will get a virus—nuff said)

Winnie:  Great yard and stuff

 

 

Special skills:  Enabling and counter-intelligence

                Alias:  The Enabler

 

Coco:  Peak-bagger and high-altitude affiliate

                Special skills:  Jumping and selecting organic foods

                Alias:  Rocky Mountain

 

Gracie:  One of our Rhode Island affiliates

 

 

                Special Skills:  Flirting and barking at the TV

                Alias:   Sugah

Shae:  Like a tiger shark with fur

 

 

 

                Special Skills:  Razor-sharp teeth

                Alias:  Little Big Time

Sasha:  Holding down the Topsfield Turf

 

                Special Skills:  Shape-shifting

                Alias:  Hot stuff

Blue:  Holding down the west side (story to follow)

 

 

                Special Skills:  Beguilement and subterfuge

                Alias:  Pink eye

Lyka:  Can tear up a caribou in seconds

 

                Special Skills: Deception

                Alias:  Juvie

Lily:  In witness relocation program, I’ve already said too much

 

                Special skills:  Undisclosed

                Alias:  The Razor

Yoda:   The pride of Fort Johnson, NY (population- 212)

 

                Special Skills:  Mind control and Jedi-like reflexes

                Alias:  Yoda

Thurston Howell:  Runs stuff for me near Salem State and Sidelines on Canal St.

 

                Special Skills:  Gilligan’s Island Trivia and Extreme Prejudice

                Alias:  Short Stuff

 

PLEDGES

Mille:   Because she’s all about being friends with everybody

 

                Special Skills:  Wiggling

                Alias:  Chica

Abbott:  Southern man with a Salem plan

 

 

                Special skills:  Indifference

Alias:  Tex

 

Coming Soon:  Check out the trailer here!!!  Dogland--The Real Thing

Cooper’s Dog Day of Fun

 

0500:  They are still sleeping

0502:  They are still sleeping

0507:  Someone seems to be moving around in there

0531:  They are still sleeping

0545:  This is unprecedented.  Both of my parents are still asleep.  This is so awesome!  Nobody is in exercise clothes and waking me up with a bunch of lights and the occasional, “Hey Buddy” with a pat on the head

0600:  I heard an alarm and some talking.  I suspect they may be discussing how to spend the entire day with Cooper and what they can do to make it super fun.

0610:  I’m invited to join my parents on their bed, which is very tall.  For me, getting up there is not fun.  I sit perfectly at my dad’s side and whine.  It works.  He lifts me onto the bed, which is also directly in line with the fan.  I enjoy this.

0700:  Ankle still stinging after my fall from the really tall bed, I make my way out of the house with my dad.  It is so hot and humid out that I can’t fathom possibly enjoy my time with him.  I quickly realize we are going on a longer walk than normally I would go on with my dad and we end up at the waterfront.  I jump in the ocean,  half wishing a shark would just kill me so I don’t have to walk home in the heat.  I sit in the water neck deep and wonder if my dad remembered cookies for me.  Cooper doesn’t walk without cookies.

0810:  I’m pulled from the water and marched home.  It is even more humid when you are soaking wet. 

0900:  My mom is home from the gym.  I overhear something about my friend, Bailey.  She smells like body lotion.

0930:  I’m chauffeured to the Salem Willows where the cool refreshing ocean and my friend Bailey await.  Cyrus was there.

0932:  The water remains  refreshing while tennis balls and dog cookies fly through the air like a swarm of locusts.  It is wonderful.

1100:   After a brief respite at home in the air conditioner, I’m being leashed up to go somewhere again.  I’m not sure if my parents realize that it is 114 degrees outside.  As anxious as I am to have an unabashed day of fun, I question how much fun it can really be when I fear I may actually spontaneously combust.

1105:  Holy crap! We are going to the dog park!  I’m going to see all my friends!

1110:  There is music and hot dogs, both edible ones on a bun and the ones walking around on the end of a leash.  There are swimming pools.  There are dog cookies and Kevlar.  There is an agility course.  The sidewalk is super hot.

1131:  I rock the agility course to Lynyrd Skynyrd and earn cookies.

1206:  Cooper’s big day of fun ends abruptly.  http://youtu.be/j4RLYtwUBAw

 ________________________________________________________

Cooper’s Weigh-In Day 7/22/2013 (My 10lb. Summer continues)

Weight:  87lbs.  (Down 7 lbs!)

Height:  1’ 10” (22 inches)

BMI (Body Mass Index):  126.4

A Mid-Summers Weigh-in

Well, its July 14^th, the summer is half over.  My weigh in today did not go well, but went as expected. I weighed in at 89lbs. It’s actually an all-time low for me during the summer months.  Additionally, I just got back from camp today.  My parents never weigh themselves the moment THEY get back from vacation.  Hypocrits!  I really DID NOT want to weigh in. Here is proof. http://youtu.be/M1fbo8CgRNU

I just want to rest. It’s hot out. My parents did the 5K Foamfest yesterday at Kimball Farms in Haverhill and their clothes still smell of ‘the farm’. They were super disappointed that the death drop slide went down because apparently some people are stupid and go with keys in their pockets or cleats on their shoes.  I think it’s funny, because now I’ve done something my parents haven’t.  My cousin had a death drop slide at his birthday party, and I went on it….TWICE! http://youtu.be/rQzBSPueGPA Maybe next year Mom and Dad!

Now that my parents had THEIR fun, next weekend is my turn. I will be going to the Dog Days of Summer at Leslie’s Retreat Dog Park on Saturday, July 20^th. I really can’t wait. I understand there will be cookies there, from one of my Dad’s favorite breweries!  I don’t know if my Dad will be there, but I KNOW my Mom won’t disappoint.

I’m probably going to try to drop another pound or so before the big event. I think they still have pools there, and I want to look ripped for the ladies. Hopefully my friend Bailey Lynch can stay healthy enough to join.  He hasn’t eaten a sock in about 3 weeks, so let’s hope he doesn’t cave and fall off the wagon!

I hope next week to share with you the fun I had!  If I can get my parents to take me to a Patio for lunch, this weekend will be complete.  I’m hoping for Gulu-Gulu, but I will take the Village Tavern too.

 Stay Classy!

Birthdays and Religion

 

Well, apparently we must be Jehovah Witnesses. I can’t come to any other explanation of why I didn’t get any additional gifts or recognition for my birthday. My research on the subject shows that this religion doesn’t recognize birthdays. For those of you just tuning in, I turned 6 on June 4^th (mark that on your calendars for next year). Typically I am showered with gifts and treats year’s celebration...

This year nothing. My so called parents (a.k.a captors) didn’t even give me a happy birthday on Facebook. Everyone knows that if it is not acknowledged on Facebook, it didn’t really happen.

My captors defend their actions by claiming that my recent excursions to camp dip into my ‘gift fund’. Really?? I ask. I didn’t even know there was a gift fund, and this is the first reference to such fund, E.V.E.R! Additionally how much does it cost for a Facebook acknowledgement? Exactly…. I thought it sounded made up too.

My Grandma Nancy came out for the 4^th of July. I had expectations of being showered by gifts and goodies as you would expect by a Grandmother. I am to say…. Disappointed? Instead of gifts, I was purchased a new leash, harness, and collar. Uhm, these are not gifts grandmother (note the formal tone). Additionally, she had chocolate cake, and gave me NONE of it. I am kind of wondering why she even came? My mother tried to explain that sometimes you get what you need for gifts. When she was growing up, her sisters birthday was in May, and she always got a swimsuit, but so did Mom and her other sister, so I guess you couldn’t really count it as a present? My Moms birthday was in late August and she always got school clothes, as well as her sisters. My Aunt Gigi’s birthday was in December and her gifts were always ‘part of her xmas present’ too. My head is still spinning try to figure out how this is related to me, the new harness, or the chocolate cake at all.

My Dad is away right now, and my next weigh in is when he gets home. My mother claims she needs him to do it, as she can’t weigh me on her own.

Next time I hope to be able to clear up the question on my religious or birthday beliefs. I will have an update on my 10lb, uhg, ehm, 13 lb summer. Also I hope to share with you a list of items and gifts I have received, hopefully some of them edible.