A Lesson in Bullying by Cooper Ely

I got my ass kicked the other day.  I was at the dog park with my mom when these 2 bullies came down the sidewalk toward the gate. Their names are Will and Luke.  They’re German Shepherd’s and like to pick on me.   I was sitting right next to my mom and it looked like they were going to come in the park.  I just decided to speak up and let them know that I was there and they should think twice before they come in.  My mom told me to stop talking trash to them and said I was going to get in trouble.  All I said was, “I was here first and I don’t want any trouble with you inbred, adopted losers.  You were adopted because your mommies didn’t love you and everyone knows it so just keep on moving you cross-eyed, buck-toothed mongrels.”  Apparently, there was a misunderstanding or something and when Will and Luke came in the park, they came right after me.  Maybe my German is a little rusty or my accent threw them off.  Anyway, they were both on top of me, ripping at me and it seemed like they were really upset.  My mom jumped in to help me and she got bit by Will, right on her wrist.  Finally, Will and Luke’s dad pulled them off of me and my mom.  I was really surprised that what I said had made them so mad.  I saw my mom’s wounded wrist and it made me think that sometimes words hurt.  I learned a really valuable lesson that day.  If I’m going to talk trash, I’ll make sure my dad is with me because my mom isn’t very tough.

My Dad may be trying to kill me.

My dad and I did a "practice" 5K this morning.  I'm not really sure how you "practice" a 5K.  I think you either do a 5K or you don't.  How do you "practice" it?

So my dad told me at the end of our run together, "that was a disappointing 2.55 miles, Cooper."  That's almost a 5K in my book and really it was more like 17.85 in dog miles.  (Dad is telling me that I can't multiply everything by 7 and that is only used for an approximation of my species age in "human terms").

First, I wasn't prepared to run that far this morning.  I was dehydrated and hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  Dad said I didn't look dehyrated because I was stopping to pee on every other utility pole, downed branch, and fire hydrant.  I told him that comes from a different "tank" and has nothing to do with my hydration.  I was so damned thirsty that I stopped to try and lick some snow.  It turns out that it wasn't snow, but just the white line on the shoulder of the road.  That's how thirsty I was.  I was hallucinating and seeing a mirage.

Secondly, had I known that I'd be "practicing" a 5K this morning, I would've carbo-loaded last night and gotten up earlier to eat breakfast.  But NO, I just got a clap of the hands from my dad with a "C'mon Cooper.  It's 8:30 and we need to get going".

So here I am.  Hungry, thirsty, and mentally-unprepared.  And let me add that this "run" was a big suprise that I got AFTER I'd already completed my morning walk.  So I was even more tired, dehydrated, hungry, mentally-unprepared, frustrated, and suprised.  I was cool with it at first because I thought we were chasing squirrels together, which is wicked fun.  I would've had a couple of them for sure but dad kept tugging on my leash and choking me.

"Let's get going, Cooper!"
"You can do better than that, Cooper."
"Nevermind, Cooper."
"Leave it, Cooper."
"Come ON, dammit."

I don't know what we were chasing, but we never did catch it.  Dad did say something about a turtle behind him, but I never saw it.

My dad said he is expecting a better performance from me on Sunday at the Doggie 5K in South Boston.  http://www.doggy5k.com

I'm gonna pull him around like a circus pony!

Cooper does Salem

My mom and dad said that Salem on Halloween weekend is "no environment for dogs" and I'll be going away to a "safe and fun place" next weekend.  I wanted to smell and experience the madness so Super Cooper took a walk on the mall last night to meet some new friends, and get a doggie ice cream cone at Rita's Ice.

                                    This is my buddy psycho Ernie.  He is sooo funny.

The Teletubbies went crazy and I kinda stayed away from them.

Who knew that Captain Jack Sparrow was afraid of dogs?  He kinda kept his distance.

I'm trying to establish a partnership with the witches to rid Salem of the Devil's minions.  I guess some people call them cats.

I am NOT peeing on that one!

Some guy made me wear his hat. 

Whew!  Finally some ice cream and a chance to chill out. 

My dad says I'll probably get to go for a walk downtown a little later.

I'll be sure to let you know if I do.

---Cooper out.

(---a.k.a Super Dog, Krypto, Superman, Super Boy out)

Cooper's Top Ten Ways to enjoy Halloween in Salem.

10) Scavenge for discarded street food.  Essex Street is a veritable treasure trove of kettle corn, soggy hot dog buns, and cotton candy fragments.

9) Pee on scary things.

8) Dress up like a super hero and pee on scary things.

7) Say “hi” and greet every single person on the mall, just to irritate my dad and mom.

6) Bark at falling leaves.  Every one of them.

5) Chase all the squirrels so they can’t store enough acorns to keep them fed during the winter so that they have to venture out to eat and I can keep chasing them.  Soon, one will be too hungry to run and then I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

4) As the days get shorter, insist on more and longer walks, citing a possible Vitamin D deficiency and winter depression.

3) Shed old hair on the furniture. (You can actually have fun doing this year-round).

2) Sniff absolutely everything.  Twice.

1) Get your picture taken with all the freaks and zombies.

Salem Tour Stop #4

This is the famous and really scary Burying Point.  It is the oldest burial ground in Salem (1637).  It is home to an inordinate number of squirrels and transients.  Dogs, grave-rubbing, and gerrymandering are strictly prohibited on these hallowed grounds (but it is apparently OK to conduct a seance with a Oujia board, open flames, and Jim Beam).  One time I saw a "ghost" rat here that was the size of an opossum.  It even had silvery fur, a pink and scaly tail, sharp-pointed teeth, and a convincing "death act" when we approached.  It looked Soooo much like an opossum, but it wasn't.  Another time I ate a fist-sized piece of fried dough right off the sidewalk. 
I'm always drawn here by the smell of pine needles and urine.  World-renowned warlock, Charlie Sheen, has a burial plot here with excellent views of the Witch Dungeon Museum and the abandoned warehouse across the street.  Noteworthy people already laid to rest here include (but are not limited to) Capt. Richard More (Mayflower passenger), Rin Tin Tin, Whoopi Goldberg, and that chubby kid from Different Strokes.  There is also a memorial to Giles Corey here.  He is one of the people from the infamous Salem Witch Trails that was pressed to death when the Witch House landed on him during a tornado.
Let's move on to Tour Stop #5.  I'm pretty scared and you should be, too.  A cookie will help to strengthen my resolve.

Salem Tour Stop #3

Welcome back to the tour of Salem, Massachusetts as narrated by Cooper.


This is the memorial to Salem’s most famous witches (well, actually warlocks because they are boys). It is located at the intersections of Essex and North Streets. They are from left to right: Philbin Jefferson, Regis George, Roosevelt Lincoln, and Charles Barkley Thomas. They are most known for playing flutes and leading the Sith Lords out of Winter Island. Roosevelt lived to an old age, had many dogs that were never leashed and always had a cookie.

Thanks again for enjoying the tour and if you don't like it, there isn't much I can do about it.

My Name is Eric, I'm from Marblehead.

Well, some of you may be aware there is a leash law in Salem.  My Mom is also aware, but I was able to convince her that it does not apply to me (it’s kind of like a Jedi mind trick- but, you use your eyes and tail- not your hand).  Well, on our walks to the lighthouse I typically get to run free.  I’m almost always obedient and loyal, though I will venture astray after a passing bird shadow from time-to-time (My dad says that they are herring gulls and I don’t really care).  One sunny day a government worker came up and started some small talk with my Mom.  I sat patiently at his feet, most of these maritime/park service guys have cookies.  Well, this guy cleverly asked what my name was and if we were local…and then gave my Mom a warning about having me off-leash!  WTF?  Seriously?  He didn’t even give me a cookie like the other guys.  Luckily, my Mom is not one for rules, particularly when it concerns me, because I am very obedient. (Did I go too far?) Anyway, we recently were back at the scene of the crime…off leash, and a uniformed man, with NO cookies came up and started conversation.  Now my Mom, aware of the infraction, was prepared, but not too well.  So when he asked if we were local, she said ‘Sort of’ (good start Mom, vague- no commitment) and then she added ‘Marblehead’.  I stopped. WHAT? Then the uniformed man asked what my name was. What does my Mom say? Not Cooper.  I mean, Cooper already has a warning on record. She comes up with Eric. Eric, from Marblehead.  Not T-bone from Lynn.  Not Crusher from Charlestown.  Eric from Marblehead.  Is she trying to get me beat up? How am I going to live down ‘Eric from Marblehead’?  We don’t even have a boat.

Salem Tour Stop #2

Hi. At this point in the tour it is suggested that you provide your faithful and knowledgeable guide with a gratuity. Money or Milkbones are accepted. As I am currently trying to be emancipated from my parents and move out on my own (or in to a home with a family that has a large yard with lots of squirrels and less rules), the kind of gratuity that folds easily is preferred. Anyway, this is the custom house in Salem and the gold bird on top is made entirely of chocolate.

Salem Tour Stop #1

Yeah, Hi. Welcome to the Salem tour, narrated by Cooper.

There is where I walk almost every day with my mom and dad. This is the Friendship Boat and the people that work here look like UPS guys in olive green and have cookies. At high tide you can chase rats that get flushed out of the rocks and marvel at a boat that has been sea-worthy for over 3,500 years. It was carved out of one piece of wood and has fought in both world wars. The witches that now live in Salem stowed away on this boat and made their way here when Gandolf freed the slaves in Etrushcia.

So you want to take a tour of historical Salem. I'll be your guide. I see/smell lots of cool stuff on my walks and I'm pretty sure some of the things I've pee'd on would be of interest to you.

My name is Cooper. I'm kind of a big deal and this is my tour.

"Hola, Mi nobre es Coopercito."

(That is all I can say in Spanish so if you're looking for a bilingual tour, you'll be pretty disappointed).