A Lesson in Bullying by Cooper Ely

I got my ass kicked the other day.  I was at the dog park with my mom when these 2 bullies came down the sidewalk toward the gate. Their names are Will and Luke.  They’re German Shepherd’s and like to pick on me.   I was sitting right next to my mom and it looked like they were going to come in the park.  I just decided to speak up and let them know that I was there and they should think twice before they come in.  My mom told me to stop talking trash to them and said I was going to get in trouble.  All I said was, “I was here first and I don’t want any trouble with you inbred, adopted losers.  You were adopted because your mommies didn’t love you and everyone knows it so just keep on moving you cross-eyed, buck-toothed mongrels.”  Apparently, there was a misunderstanding or something and when Will and Luke came in the park, they came right after me.  Maybe my German is a little rusty or my accent threw them off.  Anyway, they were both on top of me, ripping at me and it seemed like they were really upset.  My mom jumped in to help me and she got bit by Will, right on her wrist.  Finally, Will and Luke’s dad pulled them off of me and my mom.  I was really surprised that what I said had made them so mad.  I saw my mom’s wounded wrist and it made me think that sometimes words hurt.  I learned a really valuable lesson that day.  If I’m going to talk trash, I’ll make sure my dad is with me because my mom isn’t very tough.

My Dad may be trying to kill me.

My dad and I did a "practice" 5K this morning.  I'm not really sure how you "practice" a 5K.  I think you either do a 5K or you don't.  How do you "practice" it?

So my dad told me at the end of our run together, "that was a disappointing 2.55 miles, Cooper."  That's almost a 5K in my book and really it was more like 17.85 in dog miles.  (Dad is telling me that I can't multiply everything by 7 and that is only used for an approximation of my species age in "human terms").

First, I wasn't prepared to run that far this morning.  I was dehydrated and hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  Dad said I didn't look dehyrated because I was stopping to pee on every other utility pole, downed branch, and fire hydrant.  I told him that comes from a different "tank" and has nothing to do with my hydration.  I was so damned thirsty that I stopped to try and lick some snow.  It turns out that it wasn't snow, but just the white line on the shoulder of the road.  That's how thirsty I was.  I was hallucinating and seeing a mirage.

Secondly, had I known that I'd be "practicing" a 5K this morning, I would've carbo-loaded last night and gotten up earlier to eat breakfast.  But NO, I just got a clap of the hands from my dad with a "C'mon Cooper.  It's 8:30 and we need to get going".

So here I am.  Hungry, thirsty, and mentally-unprepared.  And let me add that this "run" was a big suprise that I got AFTER I'd already completed my morning walk.  So I was even more tired, dehydrated, hungry, mentally-unprepared, frustrated, and suprised.  I was cool with it at first because I thought we were chasing squirrels together, which is wicked fun.  I would've had a couple of them for sure but dad kept tugging on my leash and choking me.

"Let's get going, Cooper!"
"You can do better than that, Cooper."
"Nevermind, Cooper."
"Leave it, Cooper."
"Come ON, dammit."

I don't know what we were chasing, but we never did catch it.  Dad did say something about a turtle behind him, but I never saw it.

My dad said he is expecting a better performance from me on Sunday at the Doggie 5K in South Boston.  http://www.doggy5k.com

I'm gonna pull him around like a circus pony!