June 7th: A brief synopsis of the B.S. I’ve had to put up with

Right now I don’t understand where I am or why the hell I’m here.  I just want to be home in Salem.  I’m pretty sure that the little screen on the windshield that shows a map and talks to my dad is broken because we haven’t been able to find our way home since he started using it on April 25^th.  Once, while I was left in the car in Ft. Collins, Colorado with the windows rolled down, I even let this one nice person take that GPS thing.  I told him that I thought it was broken, but he didn’t seem to care.  He was very happy just to have it.   Later, when dad was looking for it he was very disappointed that I would allow someone in the car to “steal shit” while I was in it.  I don’t recall him taking any of that, but he did seem to be interested in all the quarters on the console and the little talky map thing that goes on the windshield.  Anyway, dad bought another one of those things and said it was coming out of my “treat fund.”  This one doesn’t seem to work any better.  The other day it just said we were on “a road”.  I knew that.   

This “road” leads to a place called, “the farm.”  On “the farm” they have like 200 hundred cats.  I still haven’t decided if I want to play with or kill them.  My cousin Coco and I want to come to a decision on that, but we never get off leash.  We just have to watch cats walk by outside by the dozens, taunting us.  My mom and dad wonder why I have recently developed “anxiety” about travel.  Gee, I wonder?  In the last 6 weeks I have traveled almost 5000 miles, seen hundreds of helgen-beasts (Dad says they are deer), antelope, buffalos, prairie dogs, a Tyrannosaurus Rex,  and this tarantula-spider thing that was so big that my dad saw it on the side of the road while driving. 

I have endured rumble bars.   I have faced off with at least 2 different raccoons.  My dad hit a deer with the car.  A bat-like bird got into the house and was flying around. 

I have had ticks on me.  I have seen literally hundreds of blood-thirsty butterflies at a time, watched my cousin Coco fall off a boat and seen millions of these creepy things called “fireflies.”  I have been dragged up a 14,000 ft. mountain in Colorado and been trapped by sprinklers in the yard while deer walked by and mocked me.  To top it all off, my cousin Coco appears to be lost with us.  Yesterday while I was freaking out about how fast my dad was driving, Coco was in the backseat chasing her tail. 

Colorado! I'm told that we are "here."

The Adventure Begins

We finally made it to this place called “Boulder, Colorado.”  It’s pretty cool and I’m thinking all those days and miles in the car were worth it.  I woke up this morning and discovered that I actually have a yard now.  It’s pretty cool.  There is this little door just for me to go in and out as I please.   The thing that is neat about it is that when I go out I’m in my second favorite place ever, the yard.  When I come in the magic door, I’m in my favorite place of all-time, the kitchen.  It’s pretty sweet.  I really haven’t figured out yet how to use the door without help from my parents, but Coco is really good at it.  She said she’d teach me how to use it. 

So I was in the yard the first morning and I got in trouble for waking up the whole neighborhood.  Coco and I were outside and I smelled something funny.  When I looked up, there were 3 deer just walking down the middle of the street.  Coco and I start yelling at them, “Hey, get lost you cloven-hoofed freaks!”  They were pretty cocky and just keep strolling along.  I was doing my best to protect myself and warn everyone in the neighborhood that was still sleeping of the abominations walking down 19^th Street when the sprinklers came on.  I was trapped!  Now I needed help!  I was stuck between a fence, cascades of water, and 3 vicious deer/beasts.  I was eventually pulled to safety by my mom and the beasts made a left turn and disappeared.

Later that day, I went with my dad and Aunt Gigi to the mountains.  I’m no stranger to the mountains.  I have climbed Mt. Washington in New Hampshire and successfully rode in the backseat of a car to the top of Mount Mitchell in North Carolina.  My dad told me that I shouldn’t get too over-confident about it though.  He said both of those places are lower than where we are starting our hike from out here.

I got loose for a moment and on second thought, I think I’ll let my dad hold my leash.

Oklahoma to Boulder, Colorado: Day 5 (35 days in dog-days)

Oklahoma to Boulder, Colorado:   Day 5

I’ll be honest.  I’m scared out of my mind.  We are in Oklahoma, where the wind apparently comes with whips down the range.  Tornadoes come here, too.  To be safe, I will sleep in an area of shelter.

I have been told that today is the last day I have to be in the car.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’m beyond bored and I’m still having anxiety about rumble bars.  I don’t want to be left behind, however.  My parents have left the hotel room, which concerns me.  The car is still in front of the room so I guess I’ll keep my eye on it.  If it moves I’m going to freak out.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on the world until day.  I thought rumble bars where the scariest thing that I’d encounter while I was riding in the backseat.  Now I know that cattle guards are worse and I will be riding on someone’s lap each time we cross one.   I will try to soothe my anxiety one more time with the stupid peanut butter and treat stuffed thing my dad bought me.

Holy crap!  What the @$!#  is that?!!  It is right outside the car!  What is the deal here?  Am I expected to protect everyone? Or  is it every dog for themselves?  Regardless, I’ll be cowering in the backseat until we hit another cattleguard.

Now my parents want to go for a little hike.  Seriously?  Have they seen what’s out there?  There are big woolly things with horns that smell like beef jerky.  I can say for certain that they ARE NOT scared of me.

It’s official.  I’m never getting out of the car again.

Where did all the trees go?  What happens when I have to pee?

Still not in Colorado.  I’m given melatonin so I can relax.  I may be too tired to stand up but I’m still going to lay in the backseat and freak out about rumble bars, cattle guards, buffalo, prairie dogs, deer,  Texas longhorns, the lack of trees, and the thought that we are never going to get wherever it is we are going.

Only 4 hours left and there are still no trees.  I’ve been holding it since Hollis, Oklahoma.

The Peanut Butter-ish Substance Incident

Today I met a new friend.  We were walking around this neighborhood in Jasper, AL when these two dogs came running up to us.  One was really shy and ran away pretty quickly but the other one decided to walk with us and give me a tour of the area.  My dad checked to see if the dog had a collar and it didn’t so he thought it was a stray, but she was soooo nice.

She showed me how they chase squirrels in Alabama, which is exactly how I do it in Salem, MA.  Mom and dad got worried that my new friend was going to follow us back to the hotel or maybe get run over by a car.  They didn’t want the my new friend following us.  My dad took a bunch of my treats and lured the dog back to the spot she joined us while mom and I ran back to the hotel.  Then my mom went and got my dad in the car.  I was pretty upset about my new friend not being able to come with us.  I didn’t want to ride in the car anymore either because it was boring.  I think I overhead my dad say that we were only halfway to Colorado, too.  I'm not getting in the car!

When we got in the car for the day, I was pretty upset.  I panted a lot and didn’t want to sleep or lay down.  To make matters worse, I DO NOT like rumble bars or speed bumps.  Everytime my dad saw a bird flying and took his eyes off the road for a second, he swerved onto the shoulder and hit the rumble bars.  Who can relax when you are in fear for your life?  My parents decided that I could go to Petsmart and pick another car toy to play with.  The started looking for one in Mississippi, but couldn’t find one close to our route, but I guess it is OK to stop for stupid pictures.

We went through Memphis, TN and my dad got pulled over by a police man.   We all had trouble understanding what he was saying.  My dad gave him some papers and apologized for going 58 MPH in a 40 MPH zone.  The officer asked dad for more papers and dad couldn’t find them all.  I think the officer just got frustrated with the situation and let my dad go because he didn’t want to do all the paperwork.  Dad decided just to get out of Memphis and we didn’t go to the Petsmart there.  Finally we stopped in Conway, Arkansas.  The last time I went to a Petsmart, I got a bath, tick medicine put on me, fur-minated, and attacked by a blow dryer.  Going here made me even more nervous that something else was going to happen to me.  My parents huddled up and decided to buy me an activity toy for the car.  They didn’t want me to have the stuff I picked and decided they knew what was best for me.  This Kong toy is like a ball but they stuff treats, which don’t taste very good, inside of it and I’m supposed to be all excited to figure out how they come on so I can eat them.  Also, it has grooves on the outside that hold peanut butter.  Well, it is a peanut butter flavored putty that comes out of a can like cheese whiz.  My dad spent like 25 minutes carefully filling all the cracks with this nasty putty and the inside with treats.  He was so excited to give it to me.  He placed it in the backseat with me and I checked it out and rolled it around a little bit, but the stuff tasted nasty.

So my dad is pretty upset with me right now.  He said we spent sixty bucks and incurred a 45 minute delay by going to Petsmart and there is peanut butter EVERYWHERE.  It is on the back of the seat, the floor mats, my face, my feet, and everywhere my feet and face went.  He was pretty upset.  I tried.  I messed with it for about 30 seconds, but I didn’t like it.  I said, “Nah, I’ll just stare at the back of the seat and breath heavy some more.”  And by “some more”, I meant for two more days.

Travel is the best education

I woke up this morning in a hotel room in Marion, North Carolina.  When I looked out the window, I saw a woodchuck.  It was huge, like the size of a pot-bellied pig.  When my dad took me out for my morning walk, I was determined to track down the woodchuck or at least go comb the Sonic parking lot near the hotel to look for food.  I spotted the woodchuck almost immediately and got about 170 yards from it before it bolted into the brush.  I decided to wait it out .

After the big sit for the woodchuck, as you can imagine, I ended up in the car again.  When are we going to get to wherever we are going?  Dad thought I’d be excited to go to the highest point in the eastern United States.  This place is called Mt. Mitchell.  We drove on a really car-sicky road and we had one really cool view where you could see something besides clouds.  I took it all in and enjoyed my brief respite from the backseat of a car. 

We kept going up and suddenly these three mythical creatures emerged from the clouds and appeared on the road before us.  I had seen something like them before on an episode of Grimm and I was scared to death.  They were right outside of my window and showed no fear.  One of them looked at me with pure evil and hatred in its eyes.  My window was down and I was petrified with fear.  A whimper escaped my jowls and then I thought I should bark to protect my dad and mom.  My dad told me to calm down and said they were just deer but I know better.  They were helgen-beasts and prey on mixed breed dogs.  Shortly after this encounter, my parents drug me up a hill to not see anything because of the clouds.  I was forced into a bunch of pictures and I worried about being ambushed by deer the entire time.

My parents found a Dunkin’ Donuts in Asheville, North Carolina and I was secretly encouraged by this development as I knew I’d at least get to stretch my legs in the parking lot and then get to stop again in 75 minutes when their bladders were full.  I was shocked when our next stop was a Starbucks in Georgia.  I have 2 words for my parents: “Get help.”

We made it into Alabama at stayed in a hotel in Jasper.  It was friendly for dogs and some people really like that.  I met 5 new friends who were staying with their parents in the room next to ours.  They were talking to me through the walls for quite a while when we first got there.  I couldn’t understand anything they were saying, but it sounded like, “Woof! Y’awl!  Woof! Y’awl!”  My dad said the place was a kennel disguised as a hotel.

They say traveling is the best education you can get.  I have learned three things.

1)      I’m pretty scared of deer/Helgen-beasts

2)      I’m pretty concerned about rumble strips and grooved pavement

3)      I’m not a big fan of 14 hour days in the back of a car.

Day 2:  My Trip Continues

Friday, April 27, 2012, Kill Devil Hills, NC

Today does not start off well.  I’m sleeping on a strange floor that smells funny and I’m rousted from my semi-slumber by this annoying buzzing sound.  It is 6:30AM and about 2 hours before I usually get up.  Apparently we are sleeping on the top floor of a building that is burning down! My parents have no sense of urgency and tell me to relax and lay down!  Finally they hear the fire trucks and start moving. I see fire trucks and people standing outside!  I’M FREAKING OUT! 

We go downstairs and I seek comfort in the arms of children. 

I get to meet a few fire people and we go for a run on the beach.  That is more like it!  Just when I’m starting to relax, I almost get arrested!  The Nags Head police department tells me I have to be on a leash on the beach.  I respond by running around the police truck twice and bark at the lady, before succumbing to restraint.  We continue MY walk and I find a dead thing on the beach.  I decide that if that thing came out of the water, then I’m never going in the water again. 

I’m pretty damned hungry at this point because I haven’t eaten yet and I got paraded all over the streets of Kill Devil Hills and Nags Head, North Carolina while my addict parents seek a Dunkin’ Donuts.  They get coffee and I take a drink out of a pond.  I feel like there is a very good chance I’m going to get ill, dehydrated, and starved.  I’ve already met the police and fire people this morning and suspect I’ll soon be meeting paramedics which would complete my Outer Banks First Responder trifecta.  Fortunately, I make it back to the hotel and I get to eat.  Shortly after, my dad says, “OK, Cooper, let’s go!” I had to go for a run on a full stomach, 2 whole miles.  It was actually kind of fun.  After that, I rode in the backseat of a Kia Optima for 413 miles.  We are in Marion, NC and I’m being tortured by the smell of woodchucks and a Sonic outside our window.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Tuesday, April 24, Salem, MA

11:00AM  I knew something was going on when I got hauled into Petsmart .  I was all excited to pick out some toys and treats, but I didn’t even get to walk around the store.  I had to go to the barber.  They gave me a bath and made me get “furminated.”  I do not like the blow dryer and barked at it.

2:36PM  Mom and Dad keep petting on me because I’m “so soft and shiny.”  I’m pretty upset.  I have worked hard to maintain my odor.  Everyone knows me by my odor.  Now I smell like tick spray with a hint of lavender.  I don’t even smell like a dog.  I kept getting told things like, “you don’t want to meet people when you’re all stinky” and “now we can stand to ride in the car with you.”  I should’ve known then that something was amiss.

9:39PM  I can’t get comfortable.  My skin itches and tastes like soap.  My parents watch the Biggest Loser and ignore my suffering.

10:02PM  I go for my final walk of the day and I get a chicken meatball treat that dad got for me at Petsmart  while I was getting tortured by a blow dryer and the aroma of a million dog treats.

Wednesday, April 25, Salem, MA

5:25AM   My mom leaves for work, thoughtlessly waking me.

7:59AM   I go for the same 3-4 mile walk I’ve been on thousands of times with my parents.  The boat isn’t even at the wharf.  It hasn’t been for months.  Real exciting, dad.  Yawn.

11:14AM  My dad has been cleaning the house for awhile now.  Mom must have yelled at him.

2:00PM  I walk past my dad and try to hint that it would be a good time to go outside.

3:36PM  My dad walked by my leash, but didn’t touch it.

3:44PM  My dad says, “I’ll be back in a bit, buddy,” and leaves.

4:02PM  I still haven’t went for a walk since this morning.  My bladder feels large.

6:00PM   Mom is home!  Much to my chagrin, she neither walks nor feeds me.

6:11PM  Dad is home!  Why is there a different car in the driveway?

7:05PM  I’m fed and walked.  I should be going out again in an hour or so. 

8:00PM Some of my stuff gets put in this strange new vehicle outside.  

9:18PM  My parents are definitely going somewhere.  They are putting things in bags and putting the bags in the strange car.

10:00PM   The ‘rents watch Survivor.  I still smell like shampoo and wonder what the heck is going on.

11:59PM   My parents are still up and consequently, me as well.

D-DAY, Thursday, April 26

1:00AM  Go to bed already you fools!

Seriously?  It is 4:30AM.  I feel like I just fell asleep.  This sucks!

5:10AM  My parents drag me into the strange, cramped vehicle downstairs and I feel like it is an out-of-body experience.   I think I’m being abducted.

6:20AM  I feel like I’ve been in the car forever and we are only in Connecticut. 

9:00AM  My parents are all excited for me and keep saying, “You’re going to get to see New York City.”  I was pretty disappointed with the view. 

We then go all the way across New Jersey and drive the mysterious  car onto a boat.  Again, my view wasn’t very good.  

After the boat ride, we drive through Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, and into North Carolina.  I’m pretty cranky.  I wonder how many stupid pictures I can be posed for.