My Horrible Day by Cooper

My Horrible Day:   by Cooper Ely

My day started off like they usually do, boring.  Once my mom finally got up and out of bed at 5:30 am, she took me down Essex Street towards the wharf like she usually does.   Sometimes we detour on our way and I get to meet my friends Cyrus and Bailey by Leslie’s Retreat off-leash dog park.  I get to run off-leash past the poor dogs that are trapped behind the fenced-in “off leash” park like zoo animals.  Those are pretty good days.  Today, however, was not one of them.  I had no play date and didn’t get to go by the dog park.  We just marched down Essex Street like we were only interested in exercise and me using the bathroom.     

As we were walking past Rockafella’s and their dog-friendly, but people-unfriendly patio, I noticed a human that looked like a compassionate soul and smelled of pastries.  Our eyes met and I wiggled and whined in excitement as this gentleman put heavenly-fresh confections and treats on the lift-gate of his delivery truck.  I tugged my mom nearer and this man and I made a connection.  He knew I was interested in a treat and could see that I was nearly starving.  He waved his hand towards all the goodies in his truck and asked my mom, “He can have a treat.  What would he like?”  I couldn’t believe it.  I noticed a lonely tray of ham and cheese croissants in the rear of the truck and was ready to announce my decision.

“He’s OK.  Thanks anyway, but he doesn’t need anything.”  My mom’s utterance of these words stung me to the core of my being as I was pulled away and re-directed towards the wharf.  I looked back at the kind-hearted man in the growing distance and I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes also.  I know it is never a good idea to refuse something that is offered to you out of generosity and I could see the rejection wash over this total stranger like a Nor’easter drowns the rats at the pier.  Dejected, I ambled on.   I completed “my” walk with the hurt still inside me.

When we got back to the house, I had the same meal that I always have, one and a half cups of TASTE OF THE WILD, an all-natural food made from real animals.  It was then that I found out that I had a play-date with Bailey!  A few minutes later, Bailey showed up in my house and started playing with my toys and eating my bones.  I found this disturbing and I was shocked by his audacity and my parent’s tolerance of this.  As I tried to place my toys and bones back into their proper positions throughout the house, we were whisked down the stairs and into a car waiting at the curb.  Bailey and I were crammed in the back and not told where we were going.  About 30 minutes later we were in South Boston at Castle Island.  Unbeknownst to me, I was entered into a Doggy 5K and was supposed to run with my dad, Bailey, Bailey’s mom, and mom.  There were many tents and many dogs.  I was quite overwhelmed by it all.  I have done this race with my mom and dad before and it was looking like a much bigger deal this time.  Of course I was leashed and restrained and unable to interact at will.  Bailey and I were imprisoned at the end of our respective leashes.  We went to this one tent where there were lots of friendly people, but they were stupid.  They had no idea what the dogs wanted.  Instead of giving me a treat or a well-deserved meal, they gave my parents a number and a coffee mug.  WTF?  What the hell am I going to do with an insulated coffee mug?

Eventually we made our way around and I was able to secure a few edible items, which I wasn’t given.  My dad stuffed them all in his pocket.  I found this irritating.  My dad is very “careful with money, but not cheap” and I know he was thinking that the free samples were going to be a great substitute for my regular meals.   That is NOT how this works!  If you are given the gift of nourishment, it’s a meal SUPPLEMENT not a meal REPLACEMENT!  When it is free, it is a gift.  It should be consumed now!  Once my dad takes it and doesn’t allow me to enjoy it and then gives it to me instead of my regular meal, it is like getting bread and water for Christmas.  Not cool.

The race was about to start and I was excited about that, but I had no illusions of winning it.  If you are in a race, you try to win.  That is why you’re there.  I knew I wasn’t going to be in contention.  Having my dad on the other end of my leash was going to be like dragging an old refrigerator through a cattail swamp.  Instead of running with that killer instinct and competitive fire, he’d be making an effort to be courteous and other B.S.  He’d be “guiding me” through the tangle of leashes, tails, and other idiots with their dogs like he was driving a sleigh.  I had a lot to look forward to over the next 3.11 miles.

The race started and I made my move.  In hindsight, it may have been a little early to pull out all the stops and go for the win.  I passed dozens of dogs and their parents with my dad dangling behind me for dear life.  Pulling him was a lot more taxing than I realized and I quickly became disheartened around the 1.4 mile mark and had to drop my pace from 6 minute miles to 8-8:30 minute miles.  I decided to ease up a little bit and run behind my dad so he could drag me for a change.  I got bored with that so I decided to stop for water at the 2 mile mark and take a sample from each of the six bowls they had placed out at the little station.  They had no food available and I thought that was stupid.  It was clear that I needed more carbs to finish the last 1.1 miles.  It was around this point where I saw my friend, Bailey.  He went by with my mom and his mom and he was frustrated to.  They were about 5 minutes behind us and just starting the little loop my dad and I just finished.  I told Bailey to hang in there and my dad tried to give me to Mom because he said I bonked and was slowing HIM down!  What a crock! I was just mad we weren’t winning.  I figured if you’re not going to win then you should just quit.  Begrudgingly, we set off on the final 1.1 miles and my dad somehow had a burst of energy, which I don’t understand.  I wasn’t feeling it as it is hard to rise after a letdown.  I had no choice, mostly due to the leash, and I accompanied him to the finish line as we passed a few people that we should’ve never had to catch in the first place.

Not once during the race did I try to go pee.  I focused on winning and knew a pit stop would be devastating to our chances of winning.  My focus was razor sharp and I put mind over bladder.  I guess I was just shocked when selfishly, my dad drug me to the porta-potties immediately after finishing.  I felt like such a fool standing outside the door while my dad still held my leash while he was inside.  When he finished I’m pretty sure he pet me without washing his hands. 

 

His inconsideration is mind-blowing.  On his terms, he towed me to the finish line to wait for the rest of our group to finish.  We sat in the grass in the sun, surrounded by dogs and people.  I felt like I was trapped in the center of a maze with all the treats and refreshments on the walls outside.  There were bananas, energy bars, and dog treats just out of my reach.  I could smell them and almost taste them, but here we sat.  Bailey, Mom, and Kim finished and came to join us on the lawn.  Of course they all took turns going to get “people food” while someone kept Bailey and I at a distance from the treat lines. 

 

I couldn’t take it anymore.  I needed something.  I had just pulled my dad 3.11 miles around Pleasure (yeah, right) Bay and Castle Island.  A baby in a stroller inched nearer and I turned on my charm.  I wiggled, whined, winked, and smiled.  Everyone was taken by my inherent cuteness.  I welcomed the opportunity to take that baby’s food so I did.  In a lightning-quick move, I made a head-shoulder fake to the left and then snapped back to the right to grab a Dixie Cup full of Garlic Parmesan Pop Chips.  Pandemonium ensued.  The baby burst into tears, crying loudly.  My dad and mom jumped in immediately and snatched the cup from my mouth.  My thought was, I already ruined this kid’s day so I may as well get to keep the chips.  My clueless dad finally figured out I was hungry and took the now re-gifted sample dog food out of his pocket and let me eat it on the lawn.  My blood sugar regained normal levels and shortly thereafter, I was once again becoming car sick in the back of a Toyota Highlander as we returned to Salem.

Back in Salem, things went from bad to worse.  After only being outside and among my own kind for 7 hours, I was “deposited” at home while my parents spend the afternoon doing whatever it is they do when I have to stay home.  With the exception of two more 30 minute walks, that was the last I’d see of the great outdoors on this Saturday.  They tried to make it better by taking me to Penelope’s Pet Boutique, where I got ONLY ONE, delicious treat made with carob.  To make matters worse, the real reason we went to Penelope’s was so my parents could buy tickets to go fraternize with other dogs and leave me at home.  They drug me to another store in Salem, called Avalanche.  The nice ladies there were begging to give me cookies, but my dad only let me have one and once again, stuck another one in his pocket.  On the way home it was sunny and beautiful while my dad and mom mostly ignored me and talked about their plans to attend the Beer and Wine tasting to benefit the German Sheperd Rescue (GSRNE) later that day.  There are lots of American dogs that are starving, myself included, and that need new homes with compassionate owners, me also.  Why are they helping the ones in Germany?  Back in the apartment where I only have 5 choices of beds, I picked a spot in the dark and lay down to reflect upon the day’s transgressions and anguish I have struggled with.  I was beginning to come to terms with things when I got some disturbing news via Facebook.  My mother was ‘spending time’ with another,  and it was there for the world to see.  She had this needy and puny German Sheperd puppy in her arms (and probably a beer in the hand I couldn’t see) and the caption said, “Merlin and his mommy enjoying  Hops and Grapes:  A Beer and Wine Tasting to Benefit the German Sheperd Rescue.”  What a fitting end to my horrible day.

 

Halloween 2012 in Salem

I was pretty mad at my parents this October. I really, really wanted to be a cowboy for Halloween, but they said "NO". They wanted me to be "Super Dog" again. They didn't even clean my costume from last year. They just pulled it out and tied it on me with no regard for my dignity or comfort.  To top it all off, my dad looked like a total fool.  I was so embarassed.  Really, Dad?  Wilfred?  Grow up.

 

 

 

As a consolation, the first thing I did was make them take me to Rita's for a Doggie Cone, but I literally had to drag my dad there.

 

 

 

 

Feeling better, with a smidgeon of free (cheap parents, or should I say "careful with money") ice cream in my belly, I joined my father again to walk the Salem Mall.  Lots of people wanted their picture with the legend (me, not my dufous dad).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently a few people just wanted a picture of my butt.  I wasn't so sure about this guy.

 

 

This is why I wanted to be a cowboy!  This lady had a pistol and we would've looked soooo cool together.  My dad had to "photo bomb" me while I was being photographed by these folks.  I don't know why he wanted in the picture.  It is just so embarassing.

 

 

My mom thought he looked like a fool, too.  We had a good laugh about it while he pranced around by the Peabody Essex Museum.

 

 

A couple of my friends, Cyrus and Bailey Lynch,  showed up.  Bailey was just happy to be outside.  Cyrus was irritated about it and didn't like dressing up like a skeleton. 

 

 

 

People will now believe me when I tell them I saw a sewer rat the size of a person.  This is not the first time I've seen them.  I saw some almost this big on the wharf running out of the rocks during the storm surge on Monday.

 



 

 

"Hey look, everybody!  It's a giant witch made entirely of balloons!"  Whatever, Dad.  Whoopidy Doo.  Yawn.

 

 

You smell gross, Zombie dude.  Maybe you are real.  I'm a little concerned.  Please walk away.

 

 

 

 

I told my parents I had outgrown my Super Dog costume and I wasn't a baby anymore.  At least I have a cape to pull over my head in shame.

You know, it's really not a bad-looking costume.



 



 

Final Thoughts by Cooper:  As I watch the sunset, another Halloween is drawing to a close.  I have to admit, I'm going to miss it.  Sure lots of people pointed and laughed at me and my dad wouldn't let me eat fried dough off the sidewalks, but at the end of the day the energy is pretty cool.  I'm sure I'm going to be led home, de-robed, and left with a bowl of dinner while my parents go out and walk around.  That is a good thing since I don't need to get stepped on by hundreds of freaks.  The sun continues to plummet in the west and I can't help but think how much I wanna be a cowboy.

 

 



 

 



 





 

Cooper's Top 8 Things to do in Salem, MA

Hi everybody.  I thought I should update my blog and let everyone know that I'm OK and have started feeling frisky and creative again, now that the weather is awesome in Salem.  For a long time, I felt like I was in a brick pizza oven.  So OK. Here is the stuff I'm going to be making my parents do with me the rest of October.

Cooper’s List of Dog Friendly and Fun Things to do in Salem, Massachusetts.

1)       Harass the UPS guy for treats.  Sometimes the FedEx drivers have them, too.  I typically beg for them from anyone I see in a uniform, just to cover all my bases.  One time I got a bottle of Aquafina from the Pepsi delivery driver. 

2)      Take a walk on the wharf and look for bird shadows and butterflies to chase.  Also, a National Park Service employee here has dog cookies.  Look for the older guy with a big hat and glasses.  I think he is there on the weekends.  I get to run off leash here sometimes as well when there aren’t too many people around.  I just have to keep an eye out for this one crazy lady who throws rocks at off-leash dogs.

3)      Ride the Salem Trolley and meet strangers.  The Salem Trolley is dog-friendly and though I don’t care about the history, blah, blah, blah, I do get to bark at other dogs when we drive by.  That is always fun.

4)      Get some trick-or-treating done.  Cooper gives the paws up and a 5 tail-wag recommendation to the following places that have “treats.”  The Barking Cat and Penelope’s Pet Boutique (they better have treats), the Trolley Depot, Pamplemousse, Bunghole Liquors, and my all-time fav, Rita’s Ice.  Their doggie-cones are too die for.

5)      Put on my Superdog costume and get lots of attention from strangers.  I love strut down Essex Street in my cape.  Mom says I look cute.  I think I look tough.  Dad doesn’t care as long as the pretty girls stop and say “hi” to me.

6)      Enjoy the scents of autumn on a patio.  The patios is Salem are dog friendly, but some are better than others.  I personally endorse Gulu-Gulu  and the Village Tavern.  Rockafellas has good views but my parents live the beer better at Gulu-Gulu Café and the Village Tavern. 

7)      Scavenge or kettle corn and food scraps on the Salem Common.  You just have to beat the squirrels to the spilled food.  There are 32 squirrels that live in the Common, but many more come to visit.

8)      Go to Leslie’s Retreat Off-leash Dog Park.  They have water and lots of my friends go there.  I enjoy chasing dragonflies here. 

June 7th: A brief synopsis of the B.S. I’ve had to put up with

Right now I don’t understand where I am or why the hell I’m here.  I just want to be home in Salem.  I’m pretty sure that the little screen on the windshield that shows a map and talks to my dad is broken because we haven’t been able to find our way home since he started using it on April 25^th.  Once, while I was left in the car in Ft. Collins, Colorado with the windows rolled down, I even let this one nice person take that GPS thing.  I told him that I thought it was broken, but he didn’t seem to care.  He was very happy just to have it.   Later, when dad was looking for it he was very disappointed that I would allow someone in the car to “steal shit” while I was in it.  I don’t recall him taking any of that, but he did seem to be interested in all the quarters on the console and the little talky map thing that goes on the windshield.  Anyway, dad bought another one of those things and said it was coming out of my “treat fund.”  This one doesn’t seem to work any better.  The other day it just said we were on “a road”.  I knew that.   

This “road” leads to a place called, “the farm.”  On “the farm” they have like 200 hundred cats.  I still haven’t decided if I want to play with or kill them.  My cousin Coco and I want to come to a decision on that, but we never get off leash.  We just have to watch cats walk by outside by the dozens, taunting us.  My mom and dad wonder why I have recently developed “anxiety” about travel.  Gee, I wonder?  In the last 6 weeks I have traveled almost 5000 miles, seen hundreds of helgen-beasts (Dad says they are deer), antelope, buffalos, prairie dogs, a Tyrannosaurus Rex,  and this tarantula-spider thing that was so big that my dad saw it on the side of the road while driving. 

I have endured rumble bars.   I have faced off with at least 2 different raccoons.  My dad hit a deer with the car.  A bat-like bird got into the house and was flying around. 

I have had ticks on me.  I have seen literally hundreds of blood-thirsty butterflies at a time, watched my cousin Coco fall off a boat and seen millions of these creepy things called “fireflies.”  I have been dragged up a 14,000 ft. mountain in Colorado and been trapped by sprinklers in the yard while deer walked by and mocked me.  To top it all off, my cousin Coco appears to be lost with us.  Yesterday while I was freaking out about how fast my dad was driving, Coco was in the backseat chasing her tail. 

Colorado! I'm told that we are "here."

The Adventure Begins

We finally made it to this place called “Boulder, Colorado.”  It’s pretty cool and I’m thinking all those days and miles in the car were worth it.  I woke up this morning and discovered that I actually have a yard now.  It’s pretty cool.  There is this little door just for me to go in and out as I please.   The thing that is neat about it is that when I go out I’m in my second favorite place ever, the yard.  When I come in the magic door, I’m in my favorite place of all-time, the kitchen.  It’s pretty sweet.  I really haven’t figured out yet how to use the door without help from my parents, but Coco is really good at it.  She said she’d teach me how to use it. 

So I was in the yard the first morning and I got in trouble for waking up the whole neighborhood.  Coco and I were outside and I smelled something funny.  When I looked up, there were 3 deer just walking down the middle of the street.  Coco and I start yelling at them, “Hey, get lost you cloven-hoofed freaks!”  They were pretty cocky and just keep strolling along.  I was doing my best to protect myself and warn everyone in the neighborhood that was still sleeping of the abominations walking down 19^th Street when the sprinklers came on.  I was trapped!  Now I needed help!  I was stuck between a fence, cascades of water, and 3 vicious deer/beasts.  I was eventually pulled to safety by my mom and the beasts made a left turn and disappeared.

Later that day, I went with my dad and Aunt Gigi to the mountains.  I’m no stranger to the mountains.  I have climbed Mt. Washington in New Hampshire and successfully rode in the backseat of a car to the top of Mount Mitchell in North Carolina.  My dad told me that I shouldn’t get too over-confident about it though.  He said both of those places are lower than where we are starting our hike from out here.

I got loose for a moment and on second thought, I think I’ll let my dad hold my leash.

Oklahoma to Boulder, Colorado: Day 5 (35 days in dog-days)

Oklahoma to Boulder, Colorado:   Day 5

I’ll be honest.  I’m scared out of my mind.  We are in Oklahoma, where the wind apparently comes with whips down the range.  Tornadoes come here, too.  To be safe, I will sleep in an area of shelter.

I have been told that today is the last day I have to be in the car.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’m beyond bored and I’m still having anxiety about rumble bars.  I don’t want to be left behind, however.  My parents have left the hotel room, which concerns me.  The car is still in front of the room so I guess I’ll keep my eye on it.  If it moves I’m going to freak out.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on the world until day.  I thought rumble bars where the scariest thing that I’d encounter while I was riding in the backseat.  Now I know that cattle guards are worse and I will be riding on someone’s lap each time we cross one.   I will try to soothe my anxiety one more time with the stupid peanut butter and treat stuffed thing my dad bought me.

Holy crap!  What the @$!#  is that?!!  It is right outside the car!  What is the deal here?  Am I expected to protect everyone? Or  is it every dog for themselves?  Regardless, I’ll be cowering in the backseat until we hit another cattleguard.

Now my parents want to go for a little hike.  Seriously?  Have they seen what’s out there?  There are big woolly things with horns that smell like beef jerky.  I can say for certain that they ARE NOT scared of me.

It’s official.  I’m never getting out of the car again.

Where did all the trees go?  What happens when I have to pee?

Still not in Colorado.  I’m given melatonin so I can relax.  I may be too tired to stand up but I’m still going to lay in the backseat and freak out about rumble bars, cattle guards, buffalo, prairie dogs, deer,  Texas longhorns, the lack of trees, and the thought that we are never going to get wherever it is we are going.

Only 4 hours left and there are still no trees.  I’ve been holding it since Hollis, Oklahoma.

The Peanut Butter-ish Substance Incident

Today I met a new friend.  We were walking around this neighborhood in Jasper, AL when these two dogs came running up to us.  One was really shy and ran away pretty quickly but the other one decided to walk with us and give me a tour of the area.  My dad checked to see if the dog had a collar and it didn’t so he thought it was a stray, but she was soooo nice.

She showed me how they chase squirrels in Alabama, which is exactly how I do it in Salem, MA.  Mom and dad got worried that my new friend was going to follow us back to the hotel or maybe get run over by a car.  They didn’t want the my new friend following us.  My dad took a bunch of my treats and lured the dog back to the spot she joined us while mom and I ran back to the hotel.  Then my mom went and got my dad in the car.  I was pretty upset about my new friend not being able to come with us.  I didn’t want to ride in the car anymore either because it was boring.  I think I overhead my dad say that we were only halfway to Colorado, too.  I'm not getting in the car!

When we got in the car for the day, I was pretty upset.  I panted a lot and didn’t want to sleep or lay down.  To make matters worse, I DO NOT like rumble bars or speed bumps.  Everytime my dad saw a bird flying and took his eyes off the road for a second, he swerved onto the shoulder and hit the rumble bars.  Who can relax when you are in fear for your life?  My parents decided that I could go to Petsmart and pick another car toy to play with.  The started looking for one in Mississippi, but couldn’t find one close to our route, but I guess it is OK to stop for stupid pictures.

We went through Memphis, TN and my dad got pulled over by a police man.   We all had trouble understanding what he was saying.  My dad gave him some papers and apologized for going 58 MPH in a 40 MPH zone.  The officer asked dad for more papers and dad couldn’t find them all.  I think the officer just got frustrated with the situation and let my dad go because he didn’t want to do all the paperwork.  Dad decided just to get out of Memphis and we didn’t go to the Petsmart there.  Finally we stopped in Conway, Arkansas.  The last time I went to a Petsmart, I got a bath, tick medicine put on me, fur-minated, and attacked by a blow dryer.  Going here made me even more nervous that something else was going to happen to me.  My parents huddled up and decided to buy me an activity toy for the car.  They didn’t want me to have the stuff I picked and decided they knew what was best for me.  This Kong toy is like a ball but they stuff treats, which don’t taste very good, inside of it and I’m supposed to be all excited to figure out how they come on so I can eat them.  Also, it has grooves on the outside that hold peanut butter.  Well, it is a peanut butter flavored putty that comes out of a can like cheese whiz.  My dad spent like 25 minutes carefully filling all the cracks with this nasty putty and the inside with treats.  He was so excited to give it to me.  He placed it in the backseat with me and I checked it out and rolled it around a little bit, but the stuff tasted nasty.

So my dad is pretty upset with me right now.  He said we spent sixty bucks and incurred a 45 minute delay by going to Petsmart and there is peanut butter EVERYWHERE.  It is on the back of the seat, the floor mats, my face, my feet, and everywhere my feet and face went.  He was pretty upset.  I tried.  I messed with it for about 30 seconds, but I didn’t like it.  I said, “Nah, I’ll just stare at the back of the seat and breath heavy some more.”  And by “some more”, I meant for two more days.