So you want to take a tour of historical Salem. I'll be your guide. I see/smell lots of cool stuff on my walks and I'm pretty sure some of the things I've pee'd on would be of interest to you.

My name is Cooper. I'm kind of a big deal and this is my tour.

"Hola, Mi nobre es Coopercito."

(That is all I can say in Spanish so if you're looking for a bilingual tour, you'll be pretty disappointed).