I Feel Like I'm Stuck in a Custody Battle

The other day I found a dead bird delectably wrapped in fermenting sea weed at Good Harbor Beach in Gloucester.  I did what any smart dog would do.  I stopped, dropped, and rolled.  It is the same steps you use when you are on fire, except you can be more leisurely about it since you aren’t on fire.  I was excited about this new smell and I wanted to make sure I showed all my friends and my parents what I had found and I wanted to remember it.   That’s when my mom said, “Come get your dog!”

Then my dad said, “Oh, now he’s my dog?”  I was confused.  I didn’t know that I was anybody’s dog.  I thought I was with both of them.

Later that day I heard my dad say, “I guess I’ll take ‘my dog’ for a walk.”  I figured at least my dad wanted me. 

Two days ago I was executing this off-the-hook trick I know.  My parents call it the “Down-Stay-Bang-Good Boy.”  When I was done my mom said, “Who’s my good boy?”  I wasn’t really sure at this point because it seemed like she wanted me to be my dad’s dog the other day.  I nailed the trick again for a few more fans of mine in downtown Salem and I heard one of them tell my mommy, “That is a cute dog you have.”  My mom said, “Yes, he is MY good boy.”  Does she want me or not want me?  When we got home from my brief walk my mom said to my dad (who didn’t want to go with me), “You should’ve seen your dog downtown.” 

That night I was trying to help my dad cook dinner.  I peeked at the counter to see what I could help with and my dad yelled, “Come get your dog!” to my mommy.

I’m not sure what is happening at this point.  My mom went to a state called, “Virginia” for a couple of days to work with people’s integrations on computers.  It was going to be my dad and me at the casa, but he sent me to daycare for some of the time.  My good friend, Sally, came to get me and my dad said, “He’s all yours.”

More on this later as the situation continues to develop…



Cooper is exonerated!

You may have heard that I witnessed an accident a couple of years ago in Salem.  I was with my mom and dad at a crosswalk.  We had just walked on the pier chasing gull shadows and past Bunghole Liquors, where they have dog water outside and big dog treats inside.  On this day, I do not recall whether or not I had been inside for treats.  I do remember seeing this dog, Mitch, who I think is really funny-looking.  Anyway, I was at this crosswalk and there were lots of humans in cars.  I was standing quietly between my parents and generally thinking about how bored I was going to be the rest of the day in the condo.  I had 5 hours and 59 minutes left until my 5PM walk, which is always much shorter and not near as fun.  I heard this weird scratchy sound, sort of like a huge squirrel clawing its way up a tree.  When I looked towards this sound I saw it was a car stopping quickly on the street and a lady who shouldn’t have been in front of it.  My mom and dad always make me sit with them before we cross the street and even though I never look both ways, I sleep good 22 ½ hours a day knowing that my parents do.  So now this lady was lying in the middle of the street.  My dad then ran into the street, too and my mommy stared to scream.  I freaked out a little bit about that!  I was telling my dad, “Hey! Hey! Hey!  You’re gonna get hit by a car like that lady and mom is scared!”    I slipped into a state of fear and shock at this point and the subsequent events are not 100% clear in my memory.  I remember people running around.  I remember a big, red truck that was really loud.  I recall a man in a uniform.  The UPS driver has a uniform and has cookies and I wondered if this guy had cookies.  I recollect that he didn’t pay any attention to me.  I remember my dad took off his sweatshirt that was covered in my fur and put in on top of the lady in the street.   Another car with lights and noise came and more people in uniforms and potentially bearing dog treats were in the street.  A gull shadow passed over me and somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.  I remember waking up in time for my afternoon walk that day. 

So that lady who got run over was kind of upset and wanted a lot of people to know about it and somehow my good reputation on the streets of Salem was being questioned.  It was being suggested that I was acting-up and barking.  My behavior was being called a distraction and a reason for the lady to abandon all logic and take a pococurante walk into traffic.  It was alleged also that maybe the person driving the car was paying attention to me and not watching for people crossing the street.  This I don’t dispute.  I’m a show stopper, but I wasn’t being a bad dog.  Anyway, my dad had to go to court for 3 days to testify on my behalf.  At the end of the third day, I was cleared of all wrong-doing and willfully being a distraction.   Unfortunately, the judge apparently told my dad that I still had to remain on a leash during my walks as that hasn’t changed and freedom is still fleeting and seems to be forever out of my grasp.

My friend, Bailey Franken-Chestnut.

My friend, Bailey is SOOO funny.  He is like the Joey Chestnut of dogs.  You know, that guy that can eat like 50 hotdogs in 3 minutes.  Well, I call my friend, "Bailey Chestnuts."   We have so much fun on our walks together.    We are always laughing at his mommy.  The entire walk she is saying, “Bailey, drop it.  Bailey, drop it.  Bailey, drop it.”  We’ll go a few more feet and then we’ll hear, “Bailey, drop it.”

 “Hey,  Bailey, drop it.”

 “Bailey, I said, drop it.” 

“Drop it. “

“Drop it, Bailey.”

“Bailey!  What do you have?  Drop it!”

“Bailey, DROP IT!”

The other day we got her to say, “Drop it” one hundred and three times before she gave up.  I wonder if she thinks “drop it” means “put something else in your mouth?”  Anyway, it's a great game.  He’ll eat anything like candy bar wrappers, used Kleenex, bottle caps, and medium-sized rocks.  A few months ago, I dared him to eat all of the socks he could find in his house.  He did and got really sick.  Humans had to cut the socks out of him with a knife.  He had to stay in his house for 2 weeks afterwards and I think he has a zipper now so they can get the socks out of him easier, but my daddy says they were stitches and went away.  I can still see where they were so I call him, “Franken-Bailey” now.

I Am the Squirrel Reaper

Word is getting around the neighborhood that I’m “soft” because I haven’t caught a squirrel for awhile.  Ok, I never have, but that doesn’t mean I’m soft on squirrels.  I almost never get off-leash and when I do get the chance I usually haven’t been allowed to properly stretch and warm-up.  Also, the squirrels have an unfair advantage because of all the trees.  I figured the best way to get their kind to take notice was to walk through the middle of Squirrel Central with one of my “catches” in my mouth, a stuffed hedgehog  that won’t be bothering anyone anymore.  Let this serve as notice to all of my so-called dog “friends” who’ve been trash-talking my squirrel-catching abilities and to all those squirrels that have forgotten to fear me.  I’m back!  I am become death, the destroyer of squirrel worlds, a squirrel-reaper.  Take it from the hedgehog that I mercilessly ripped from it’s cardboard backing on the living room floor, “Cooper isn’t playing around anymore.”



Salem Tour Stop #5

Here in Salem we are very lucky to have the world’s largest diamond.   It was unearthed near Gallow’s Hill in the late 2000’s and has been kept in its natural state.  It is said to be cursed and some people think they can see a witch in it.   It is currently on display in front of the Salem Witch Museum across the street from the Salem Common, which is the birthplace of the national guard and Bucky, a grotesquely large-toothed squirrel.  I’ve often seen Bucky near the gazebo, but he is sometimes by the playground, too.  Another time I saw him right by the gate near the Hawthorn Hotel, but he ranges as far as the northeast corner.  I don’t see Bucky if it is dark out, or really windy.  I’ve often chased Bucky when I have seen him, like this one time when he was by the playground where he hangs out sometimes.  I usually chase him if he is by the Mall street entrance, too.   I definitely chase him if he sitting on the stumps on the south side of the common opposite the parking lot in back of the Hawthorn Hotel.  I think the Hawthorn Hotel smells good.  I’m not sure which tree Bucky lives in but I saw him once in a tree near the bench that is close to the trees on the side by the Salem Witch Museum, home of the world’s largest diamond.



I Got Spanked!!

I got spanked and I didn’t even deserve it.  I was walking on the wharf in Salem with my dad when it happened.  I was off-leash and enjoying myself and minding my own business when I smelled something delicious and decadent.  I went to investigate and found some frozen dog poop.   I think it might have been someone from out-of-town because I didn’t recognize them at first sniff.   I grabbed a bite and heard my dad start yelling and stomping toward me.  I know that times are tough, but I found it and I wasn’t about to share with him.  Finder’s keepers, people! Or has the whole world gone crazy! I did the sensible thing and darted off, trying to finish my snack.  I know dad was jealous and he was yelling my name, “Cooper!” as well as a lot of other gibberish such as, “No!” and “Get over here right now!”  I didn’t want to disobey my dad and I think he wanted me to come to him, so I did.  I made a big, wide circle while running at half-speed, stopped to pee, ran and checked out some other potential treats, watched a sea gull fly over, contemplated how cold the ocean was, reminisced about how good my treat was, thought about blowing dad off, and then went right over to him.  In return for my loyalty I got swatted on the bottom and leashed-up.  Seriously, WTF is that all about?  Dad can find his own snacks and I know he likes the same things as me.  When we are driving he is always recommending to other people, “Eat Shit.”

The rest of my day was uneventful.



A Lesson in Bullying by Cooper Ely

I got my ass kicked the other day.  I was at the dog park with my mom when these 2 bullies came down the sidewalk toward the gate. Their names are Will and Luke.  They’re German Shepherd’s and like to pick on me.   I was sitting right next to my mom and it looked like they were going to come in the park.  I just decided to speak up and let them know that I was there and they should think twice before they come in.  My mom told me to stop talking trash to them and said I was going to get in trouble.  All I said was, “I was here first and I don’t want any trouble with you inbred, adopted losers.  You were adopted because your mommies didn’t love you and everyone knows it so just keep on moving you cross-eyed, buck-toothed mongrels.”  Apparently, there was a misunderstanding or something and when Will and Luke came in the park, they came right after me.  Maybe my German is a little rusty or my accent threw them off.  Anyway, they were both on top of me, ripping at me and it seemed like they were really upset.  My mom jumped in to help me and she got bit by Will, right on her wrist.  Finally, Will and Luke’s dad pulled them off of me and my mom.  I was really surprised that what I said had made them so mad.  I saw my mom’s wounded wrist and it made me think that sometimes words hurt.  I learned a really valuable lesson that day.  If I’m going to talk trash, I’ll make sure my dad is with me because my mom isn’t very tough.