The Pup Crawl: Cooper and the H.O.G.S tour of Salem watering holes

It’s pretty hot out there and you’ve got to stay hydrated when you’re cruising your turf and marking territory.  Me and the gang have mapped out some of our cool hangouts where we wet our whistles. 

1 - This stop on Essex is totally awesome.  The water is always cold and fresh, because the guy that lives there and puts it out has nothing better to do.  We all appreciate it.  It usually starts out frozen in the morning and stays cool throughout the day.  In the winter it starts out frozen and usually stays that way.  The dog that lives here wants nothing to do with me so I don’t know his name, but the gang calls him, “The Hydrater.”

2- At this stop, The Barking Cat, there is water and fine treats if you can drag your owner inside.  The dog with the cool sunglasses is also named, Cooper.  This fitting tribute to me, because of my unwavering support for the delicious cookies found within, is one of Salem’s most photographed statues.  It is often photographed over 2,000 times a day!  A little known fact about this statue is that it is made from rocks gathered from the surface of the moon.  I seldom drink here because my parents don’t like to walk on that side of the street for some reason.  I always hear, “Not today, Cooper”  or “I don’t have my wallet, Cooper.”

3 - Gulu-Gulu Café rocks!  Not only do they have fresh water to beckon you in, they also have table service with the freshest, coldest water in town and dog treats.  I like to chase bees and flies on the patio while keeping watch over my turf.

4 - The Flying Saucer is much like Gulu.  They pull you in with the free water out front and pretty soon your parents are feeding you pizza crusts.  The fresh water and dog treats are unlimited if you play your cards right.  The Cleaner, The Virus, and I assembled here on Saturday to discuss H.O.G.S. business and sleep.

5 - Naumkeg Ordinary is new on the scene and their water bowl is still pretty shiny.  Because of this it probably gets hot quickly.  I will review this place in a future blog as I haven’t had the chance to obsess over shadows and crumbs here yet.

6 - Penelope’s Pet Boutique has cookies inside.  The water is outside.  Logistically, this makes no sense to me.  Why not make it easy for everyone and have free cookies outside?  I believe the honor system would work well in this case.  Everyone could just take what they need, when they need it.  Penelope’s would just need to order enough to have an unlimited supply of free cookies available at all times.

7 - Here in front of the Trolley Depot is an oft-used water bowl.  Because of this, it is seldom full and often mostly just dog spit.  I avoid this bowl if it is thusly contaminated, but do enjoy it when it is first placed out in the AM.

8 - Behind the Fountain, is the Village Tavern, best patio, and coldest water for dogs. Giant Red pail, brought to you personally. They also give your parents beverages too, which makes them happy.

9 - This is another popular place to stop for a drink.  It is on the corner across from Century Bank.  This bowl is great, but under-maintained.  As this picture proves, it is bone-dry and contains no water, either.  This one gets contaminated quickly also and is often in the sun, so hit it early in the day. 

You’ve all probably been wondering how my weight-loss journey is going.  My parents haven’t mentioned it in awhile, so don’t say anything!  The other day some lady told me I was handsome and looked well-fed.  I said, “Same to you, you hippopotamus with a Gucci bag.  It doesn’t look to me like you walk away from too many free samples at Whole Foods.”

My new novel is coming along fine.  The chapter on Collective Bargaining Agreements was tough for me to write since I don’t really understand them and it has nothing to do with the plot, which I’m also still working on. 

“Just when it seemed like the worst of times, things got worse, and then a little better before quickly worsening even worse than when it seemed like the absolute worst of times and stuff.  I remained defiantly optimistic and felt like my heart was telling me to learn about collective bargaining and how to scare the hell out of a cat.  So that is what I did to make the worst times better back then.”

Bulger Arrested, but not in jail!

I’m sorry that I was not able to post an update last week.  I have been keeping a low profile.  In addition to my gang activity, which has created an upheaval in the Salem Canine Community, my grandpa is Whitey Bulger.  Please accept this photographic evidence as proof. 

 

 

 

With grandpa’s sentencing, I had to keep my cool and the recruiting on the down low.  The H.O.G.S. were only able to vet (not the kind you get shots from, but the kind where you endorse someone publicly) two new pledges this past 14 days.  I’d like to introduce you to Tobias a.k.a the Watcher.  His special skills are knowing the tide tables and acting like he doesn’t know me. 

 

 

 

Pledge #2 hails from the wharf area and goes by Cleo, when called for dinner by humans.   Her H.O.G.S. name/real name is Gandolf.  Her special skills include border control and CPR (none shall pass). 

 

 

In the events of the week, grandpa was sentenced and sent to prison.  This is misinformation and propaganda.  Grandpa Bulger walked out of that courtroom and put on some stupid-looking pants, jersey, and helmet.  He completed the Adirondack Mountain Club Ididaride (75 miles on bicycle or 525 dog-miles) on Sunday, August 18, 2013 and returned to his “normal” life in the witness relocation program in upstate NY, while posing as the mayor of a small hamlet.  The man depicted in all the news reports as “Whitey Bulger” is actually a paid impersonator, in part sponsored by the H.O.G.S, that really just enjoys prison.  Ironically, he was also accused of being a “cat person” and that makes him a good candidate for Federal Super Max Incarceration.  Don’t believe the untruths in the news people!

 

On a more disturbing note, my parents have grown more concerned with my dissidence and Machiavellian pursuits.  They recently purchased this GPS Locator thing called Tagg.com.  Now they can keep track of me wherever I go.  As I do not have opposable thumbs, I can’t get the damned thing off.  Just the other night, my boys and I were barking and marking on Flint Street.  All the sudden my dad comes round the corner and started yelling, “Put that out, Cooper.”  I was taken aback and totally embarrassed.  He leashed me up and emasculated me in front of my boys.  That sucked.  I continue to remain in seclusion and disguise.

 

 

This is not the dog you are looking for...

 

 

Big Update: Cooper's Blog--Day

Big Update:  Cooper’s Blog Day 45

 

Well, Penuche gave me an earful just now!  I included him in the video credits but inadvertently, he was omitted from the roster….Jeez, chill out “white shadow.”

On a brighter note, I was able to expand our reach in the Midwest!   I’d like to welcome, Smith and Wesson.   Yeah, I know they are poodles, but are you going to mess with anyone named, “Smith and Wesson?”

 

They will be known as E.S.P.N. (Elkhorn Standard Poodle Network).  Smith and Wesson, That's really their names!

Little Big Time is back from vacation with all these crazy ideas.  I had to use a bark collar on him during the meeting because he wouldn't shut up.  

 

 

Hot stuff and I took a weekend retreat to discuss our annual budget.  I’m happy to say that I have secured a seemingly unlimited supply of Cookies. Charlotte, at Quality Liquors, has a box just for me and my gang.  Just tell her you’re with Cooper.  Also, the Village Tavern has rolled out the welcome mat for us.  Ask for Brian and tell him you’re with Cooper and the HOGS.  Right now we are also in negotiations with Howling Wolf. 

       Penuche, is pissed so if you see him, be sure to call him the “white shadow” and flash him the HOGS sign, (sit, shake, cookie).  We are accepting applications for consideration. To become a pledge, send me picture with your special skills, (thesalemdog@gmail.com). The gang will vote on it, and then I'll decide.

I'm/we are starting a novel,  if you want any of your stories to be included in my auto-biography let me know. The book will be:   Shelter Dog: Trials &Tribulations,   by Cooper D. Ely.  

The “D” is for Declan.  Quick question does anyone have a copy of Milo and Otis I can borrow, the library got all weird when I asked them. I need to do research for my book.

Here's a teaser of the eloquent prose I’ve constructed thus far,  

"Once upon a time, it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times, back then."

So far, that's all I have, thus far, and I think I have writer’s cramp.
Much More later...

Essex Side Story

I just wanted everyone to know that I’m starting a gang.  The facts are below.

Gang name:  The H.O.G.S  (Hounds of Greater Salem) or H.O.E.S (Hounds of Essex Street).  We will vote on it when we have our first meeting and then I’ll decide.

Founding Members:  Me, Bailey, and Cyrus.

Actively Recruiting/Pledges:  Mille and Abbott

Actively Not Recruiting:  The stupid white poodle next door.

 

Rival Gangs:  The D.O.C.S (Dogs of Chestnut Street) and the D.O.R.C.S  (Dogs of Revere Condominiums)

Friendly Associations:  Topsfield Hounds,

Mission Statement:  I think mission statements are stupid and I’ll never be able to remember it so we aren’t going to have one, but pretty much we are trying to make Salem completely leash-free so it is easier to chase cats and squirrels.  Also, I want the white poodle to move.

Credo:  Long walks, big treats, no cats, no leash.

Gang hangouts:  Gulu-Gulu Café and the Village Tavern.  Also Leslie’s Retreat dog park and the Pickering Wharf area (We refer to it as Pickering Woof)

Activities:  Shedding and Mayhem.  Some philanthropic work with Northeast Animal Shelter.

Current News:   There is currently disaccord amongst the H.O.G.S. and an affiliate branch, the D.O.C.S. (Dogs of Chestnut Street).  Tensions rose as a D.O.C (probationary charter) violated squirrel-chasing treatise and H.O.G.  guidelines while on an otherwise routine mid-afternoon walk.

Active Members

Cooper:   Founding Father 

                Special Skills:  Con Artist and Grifter

                Alias:  C-Train

Bailey:  Right hand and huge fan of Joey Chestnuts

                Special Skills:  Disposal, especially of dirty socks

                Alias:  The Cleaner

Cyrus:  Hangs with Bailey and so I had to make him a member

                Special Skills:  Intimidation, Scary-looking

                Alias:  The Virus (If you get too close to him, you will get a virus—nuff said)

Winnie:  Great yard and stuff

 

 

Special skills:  Enabling and counter-intelligence

                Alias:  The Enabler

 

Coco:  Peak-bagger and high-altitude affiliate

                Special skills:  Jumping and selecting organic foods

                Alias:  Rocky Mountain

 

Gracie:  One of our Rhode Island affiliates

 

 

                Special Skills:  Flirting and barking at the TV

                Alias:   Sugah

Shae:  Like a tiger shark with fur

 

 

 

                Special Skills:  Razor-sharp teeth

                Alias:  Little Big Time

Sasha:  Holding down the Topsfield Turf

 

                Special Skills:  Shape-shifting

                Alias:  Hot stuff

Blue:  Holding down the west side (story to follow)

 

 

                Special Skills:  Beguilement and subterfuge

                Alias:  Pink eye

Lyka:  Can tear up a caribou in seconds

 

                Special Skills: Deception

                Alias:  Juvie

Lily:  In witness relocation program, I’ve already said too much

 

                Special skills:  Undisclosed

                Alias:  The Razor

Yoda:   The pride of Fort Johnson, NY (population- 212)

 

                Special Skills:  Mind control and Jedi-like reflexes

                Alias:  Yoda

Thurston Howell:  Runs stuff for me near Salem State and Sidelines on Canal St.

 

                Special Skills:  Gilligan’s Island Trivia and Extreme Prejudice

                Alias:  Short Stuff

 

PLEDGES

Mille:   Because she’s all about being friends with everybody

 

                Special Skills:  Wiggling

                Alias:  Chica

Abbott:  Southern man with a Salem plan

 

 

                Special skills:  Indifference

Alias:  Tex

 

Coming Soon:  Check out the trailer here!!!  Dogland--The Real Thing

Cooper’s Dog Day of Fun

 

0500:  They are still sleeping

0502:  They are still sleeping

0507:  Someone seems to be moving around in there

0531:  They are still sleeping

0545:  This is unprecedented.  Both of my parents are still asleep.  This is so awesome!  Nobody is in exercise clothes and waking me up with a bunch of lights and the occasional, “Hey Buddy” with a pat on the head

0600:  I heard an alarm and some talking.  I suspect they may be discussing how to spend the entire day with Cooper and what they can do to make it super fun.

0610:  I’m invited to join my parents on their bed, which is very tall.  For me, getting up there is not fun.  I sit perfectly at my dad’s side and whine.  It works.  He lifts me onto the bed, which is also directly in line with the fan.  I enjoy this.

0700:  Ankle still stinging after my fall from the really tall bed, I make my way out of the house with my dad.  It is so hot and humid out that I can’t fathom possibly enjoy my time with him.  I quickly realize we are going on a longer walk than normally I would go on with my dad and we end up at the waterfront.  I jump in the ocean,  half wishing a shark would just kill me so I don’t have to walk home in the heat.  I sit in the water neck deep and wonder if my dad remembered cookies for me.  Cooper doesn’t walk without cookies.

0810:  I’m pulled from the water and marched home.  It is even more humid when you are soaking wet. 

0900:  My mom is home from the gym.  I overhear something about my friend, Bailey.  She smells like body lotion.

0930:  I’m chauffeured to the Salem Willows where the cool refreshing ocean and my friend Bailey await.  Cyrus was there.

0932:  The water remains  refreshing while tennis balls and dog cookies fly through the air like a swarm of locusts.  It is wonderful.

1100:   After a brief respite at home in the air conditioner, I’m being leashed up to go somewhere again.  I’m not sure if my parents realize that it is 114 degrees outside.  As anxious as I am to have an unabashed day of fun, I question how much fun it can really be when I fear I may actually spontaneously combust.

1105:  Holy crap! We are going to the dog park!  I’m going to see all my friends!

1110:  There is music and hot dogs, both edible ones on a bun and the ones walking around on the end of a leash.  There are swimming pools.  There are dog cookies and Kevlar.  There is an agility course.  The sidewalk is super hot.

1131:  I rock the agility course to Lynyrd Skynyrd and earn cookies.

1206:  Cooper’s big day of fun ends abruptly.  http://youtu.be/j4RLYtwUBAw

 ________________________________________________________

Cooper’s Weigh-In Day 7/22/2013 (My 10lb. Summer continues)

Weight:  87lbs.  (Down 7 lbs!)

Height:  1’ 10” (22 inches)

BMI (Body Mass Index):  126.4

A Mid-Summers Weigh-in

Well, its July 14^th, the summer is half over.  My weigh in today did not go well, but went as expected. I weighed in at 89lbs. It’s actually an all-time low for me during the summer months.  Additionally, I just got back from camp today.  My parents never weigh themselves the moment THEY get back from vacation.  Hypocrits!  I really DID NOT want to weigh in. Here is proof. http://youtu.be/M1fbo8CgRNU

I just want to rest. It’s hot out. My parents did the 5K Foamfest yesterday at Kimball Farms in Haverhill and their clothes still smell of ‘the farm’. They were super disappointed that the death drop slide went down because apparently some people are stupid and go with keys in their pockets or cleats on their shoes.  I think it’s funny, because now I’ve done something my parents haven’t.  My cousin had a death drop slide at his birthday party, and I went on it….TWICE! http://youtu.be/rQzBSPueGPA Maybe next year Mom and Dad!

Now that my parents had THEIR fun, next weekend is my turn. I will be going to the Dog Days of Summer at Leslie’s Retreat Dog Park on Saturday, July 20^th. I really can’t wait. I understand there will be cookies there, from one of my Dad’s favorite breweries!  I don’t know if my Dad will be there, but I KNOW my Mom won’t disappoint.

I’m probably going to try to drop another pound or so before the big event. I think they still have pools there, and I want to look ripped for the ladies. Hopefully my friend Bailey Lynch can stay healthy enough to join.  He hasn’t eaten a sock in about 3 weeks, so let’s hope he doesn’t cave and fall off the wagon!

I hope next week to share with you the fun I had!  If I can get my parents to take me to a Patio for lunch, this weekend will be complete.  I’m hoping for Gulu-Gulu, but I will take the Village Tavern too.

 Stay Classy!

Birthdays and Religion

 

Well, apparently we must be Jehovah Witnesses. I can’t come to any other explanation of why I didn’t get any additional gifts or recognition for my birthday. My research on the subject shows that this religion doesn’t recognize birthdays. For those of you just tuning in, I turned 6 on June 4^th (mark that on your calendars for next year). Typically I am showered with gifts and treats year’s celebration...

This year nothing. My so called parents (a.k.a captors) didn’t even give me a happy birthday on Facebook. Everyone knows that if it is not acknowledged on Facebook, it didn’t really happen.

My captors defend their actions by claiming that my recent excursions to camp dip into my ‘gift fund’. Really?? I ask. I didn’t even know there was a gift fund, and this is the first reference to such fund, E.V.E.R! Additionally how much does it cost for a Facebook acknowledgement? Exactly…. I thought it sounded made up too.

My Grandma Nancy came out for the 4^th of July. I had expectations of being showered by gifts and goodies as you would expect by a Grandmother. I am to say…. Disappointed? Instead of gifts, I was purchased a new leash, harness, and collar. Uhm, these are not gifts grandmother (note the formal tone). Additionally, she had chocolate cake, and gave me NONE of it. I am kind of wondering why she even came? My mother tried to explain that sometimes you get what you need for gifts. When she was growing up, her sisters birthday was in May, and she always got a swimsuit, but so did Mom and her other sister, so I guess you couldn’t really count it as a present? My Moms birthday was in late August and she always got school clothes, as well as her sisters. My Aunt Gigi’s birthday was in December and her gifts were always ‘part of her xmas present’ too. My head is still spinning try to figure out how this is related to me, the new harness, or the chocolate cake at all.

My Dad is away right now, and my next weigh in is when he gets home. My mother claims she needs him to do it, as she can’t weigh me on her own.

Next time I hope to be able to clear up the question on my religious or birthday beliefs. I will have an update on my 10lb, uhg, ehm, 13 lb summer. Also I hope to share with you a list of items and gifts I have received, hopefully some of them edible.