Sunday, September 15, 2013

An Update From The Salem Dog: When am I going to catch a break?


 

 
Little Big Time (Shae) and I walked the red line the other day.  This is pretty much our turf and we wanted to make sure things were in order.  It is pretty much official that we were a tourist attraction.  We got our pictures taken more times than the witch statue on the corner that day.  We got lots of attention and I was totally going to steal this kid’s goldfish crackers until my dad eff’d it up.  I saw this little boy had food and I started to smile and whimper a bit, to soften him up.  He stopped in his tracks and my dad said, “Don’t worry he’s friendly.  He’s only ever bitten, like 2 kids and those were both totally random.  It’s still way less than 5% of the time.”  The kid hid behind his dad, who was laughing his head off.  I failed to eat goldfish crackers.

I went to my good friend Sally’s house for about a week.  When it wasn’t hot, it was raining.  When it wasn’t doing either of those, I was getting my butt kicked by some young upstart punk.  The H.O.G.S. will be retaliating for this act of aggression so you better watch your back, Daisy!  I’m tougher-looking now because I have a big gash on the side of my neck with a bunch of dried blood on it.  Back on the mean streets of Salem it has enhanced my reputation as a legitimate tough guy. People and pets are clearing the way when I walk down Essex Street now!  That is what a good battle wound will do for you, but my dad, the big buzz-kill, asserts that people are getting out of my way because I look like I’m sick.

Yesterday I had to go see the vet.  I really like Dr. Story, but do not enjoy it when he squirts medicine in my nose and puts things in my butt.  It is very hard to protect both places at once.  To make a long story short, despite my general standoffishness I ended up getting my kennel cough vaccine in the nostril and violated in the bathing suit area.  They said it was for the best because I needed something or other drained back there (I thought it smelled awesome, but everyone else was disgusted).  I hardly see how it was worth it.  On top of that my crunchy, matted battle scar area was shaved and cleaned up.  I look like a fool with a bald patch from my cheek to my shoulder and I’m wearing a stupid cone so I can’t scratch it.  Does anyone know how aggravating this is? I’d rather be tied down and spanked.  The scratching is critical because it keeps the badge of honor looking fresh and garners attention.  With this dumb cone, the anti-itch cream, and antibiotics (I’m not stupid.  I know you’re putting them in the hummus.  Seriously, when have I ever had hummus?), it’s definitely going to heal now.  To make matters worse, when they took the torturous clippers to the area and returned me to my dad he said, “THAT’S IT?”  So somehow he doesn’t think I earned “street cred” because all I have is a little puncture wound?  I wish he could’ve seen it right after it happened.  It was awesome.  Dad was all mad because he said we have clippers at home and had he known it was “like a bug bite” he would’ve just done it himself and saved eighty bucks.  He mumbled something about the cost of shaving a dog’s neck and some antibiotics are more than it costs to feed me for 6 weeks.  I just hope he doesn’t follow through with his threats to switch from my current rations (Taste of the Wild—100% wild game meat and some sweet potatoes) to something cheaper like “OL’ ROY” from Wal-mart.   That stuff is like 36% cardboard, 40% cornmeal, 24% road-kill trimmings, and another 20% insect parts.  And everyone thinks my back end smells bad now!  I heard about a dog once that accidentally ate some OL’ ROY he found in an alley and he ended up cross-eyed with really bad breath.

 

 My afternoon at the vet ended with a trip to the scale.  You may recall that at the start of the summer I embarked on a weight loss journey.  This was called,”My 10 Pound Summer.”  I was a stylish 92 lbs. at one point in June, but I’m currently happy to report I’m a svelte 87.6lbs, which Dr. Story quickly pointed out was a 0.6 lb increase since my last exam.  There was much discussion between my dad and Dr. Story.  I heard things like, “I think he’ll always struggle with his weight” and “I doubt it’s his thyroid.”  Hello, I’m right here and I can hear you! Geez!  I have now moved into a different phase of my weight-loss journey.  It is called, “Just try to keep him under 90 for the next year” or my “Gain up to 2.3 pounds Autumn.”  I’ll keep you posted.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Run like Cooper!

My Mom tried to run like an Animal in her Pearl Izumi's....Silly girl. Only animals can run like animals. Its OK...I did  CPR, she is fine now.

*Cooper spoofs Pearl Izumi Add*
Pearl Izumi and the Dead Dog

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Pup Crawl: Cooper and the H.O.G.S tour of Salem watering holes


It’s pretty hot out there and you’ve got to stay hydrated when you’re cruising your turf and marking territory.  Me and the gang have mapped out some of our cool hangouts where we wet our whistles. 

1 - This stop on Essex is totally awesome.  The water is always cold and fresh, because the guy that lives there and puts it out has nothing better to do.  We all appreciate it.  It usually starts out frozen in the morning and stays cool throughout the day.  In the winter it starts out frozen and usually stays that way.  The dog that lives here wants nothing to do with me so I don’t know his name, but the gang calls him, “The Hydrater.”
2- At this stop, The Barking Cat, there is water and fine treats if you can drag your owner inside.  The dog with the cool sunglasses is also named, Cooper.  This fitting tribute to me, because of my unwavering support for the delicious cookies found within, is one of Salem’s most photographed statues.  It is often photographed over 2,000 times a day!  A little known fact about this statue is that it is made from rocks gathered from the surface of the moon.  I seldom drink here because my parents don’t like to walk on that side of the street for some reason.  I always hear, “Not today, Cooper”  or “I don’t have my wallet, Cooper.”
3 - Gulu-Gulu Café rocks!  Not only do they have fresh water to beckon you in, they also have table service with the freshest, coldest water in town and dog treats.  I like to chase bees and flies on the patio while keeping watch over my turf.
4 - The Flying Saucer is much like Gulu.  They pull you in with the free water out front and pretty soon your parents are feeding you pizza crusts.  The fresh water and dog treats are unlimited if you play your cards right.  The Cleaner, The Virus, and I assembled here on Saturday to discuss H.O.G.S. business and sleep.
5 - Naumkeg Ordinary is new on the scene and their water bowl is still pretty shiny.  Because of this it probably gets hot quickly.  I will review this place in a future blog as I haven’t had the chance to obsess over shadows and crumbs here yet.
6 - Penelope’s Pet Boutique has cookies inside.  The water is outside.  Logistically, this makes no sense to me.  Why not make it easy for everyone and have free cookies outside?  I believe the honor system would work well in this case.  Everyone could just take what they need, when they need it.  Penelope’s would just need to order enough to have an unlimited supply of free cookies available at all times.
7 - Here in front of the Trolley Depot is an oft-used water bowl.  Because of this, it is seldom full and often mostly just dog spit.  I avoid this bowl if it is thusly contaminated, but do enjoy it when it is first placed out in the AM.
8 - Behind the Fountain, is the Village Tavern, best patio, and coldest water for dogs. Giant Red pail, brought to you personally. They also give your parents beverages too, which makes them happy.
9 - This is another popular place to stop for a drink.  It is on the corner across from Century Bank.  This bowl is great, but under-maintained.  As this picture proves, it is bone-dry and contains no water, either.  This one gets contaminated quickly also and is often in the sun, so hit it early in the day. 
You’ve all probably been wondering how my weight-loss journey is going.  My parents haven’t mentioned it in awhile, so don’t say anything!  The other day some lady told me I was handsome and looked well-fed.  I said, “Same to you, you hippopotamus with a Gucci bag.  It doesn’t look to me like you walk away from too many free samples at Whole Foods.”
My new novel is coming along fine.  The chapter on Collective Bargaining Agreements was tough for me to write since I don’t really understand them and it has nothing to do with the plot, which I’m also still working on. 

“Just when it seemed like the worst of times, things got worse, and then a little better before quickly worsening even worse than when it seemed like the absolute worst of times and stuff.  I remained defiantly optimistic and felt like my heart was telling me to learn about collective bargaining and how to scare the hell out of a cat.  So that is what I did to make the worst times better back then.”

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Bulger Arrested, but not in jail!


I’m sorry that I was not able to post an update last week.  I have been keeping a low profile.  In addition to my gang activity, which has created an upheaval in the Salem Canine Community, my grandpa is Whitey Bulger.  Please accept this photographic evidence as proof. 
 
 
 
With grandpa’s sentencing, I had to keep my cool and the recruiting on the down low.  The H.O.G.S. were only able to vet (not the kind you get shots from, but the kind where you endorse someone publicly) two new pledges this past 14 days.  I’d like to introduce you to Tobias a.k.a the Watcher.  His special skills are knowing the tide tables and acting like he doesn’t know me. 
 

 
 
Pledge #2 hails from the wharf area and goes by Cleo, when called for dinner by humans.   Her H.O.G.S. name/real name is Gandolf.  Her special skills include border control and CPR (none shall pass). 
 

 

In the events of the week, grandpa was sentenced and sent to prison.  This is misinformation and propaganda.  Grandpa Bulger walked out of that courtroom and put on some stupid-looking pants, jersey, and helmet.  He completed the Adirondack Mountain Club Ididaride (75 miles on bicycle or 525 dog-miles) on Sunday, August 18, 2013 and returned to his “normal” life in the witness relocation program in upstate NY, while posing as the mayor of a small hamlet.  The man depicted in all the news reports as “Whitey Bulger” is actually a paid impersonator, in part sponsored by the H.O.G.S, that really just enjoys prison.  Ironically, he was also accused of being a “cat person” and that makes him a good candidate for Federal Super Max Incarceration.  Don’t believe the untruths in the news people!

 

On a more disturbing note, my parents have grown more concerned with my dissidence and Machiavellian pursuits.  They recently purchased this GPS Locator thing called Tagg.com.  Now they can keep track of me wherever I go.  As I do not have opposable thumbs, I can’t get the damned thing off.  Just the other night, my boys and I were barking and marking on Flint Street.  All the sudden my dad comes round the corner and started yelling, “Put that out, Cooper.”  I was taken aback and totally embarrassed.  He leashed me up and emasculated me in front of my boys.  That sucked.  I continue to remain in seclusion and disguise.
 
 
This is not the dog you are looking for...
 
 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Big Update: Cooper's Blog--Day


Big Update:  Cooper’s Blog Day 45

 
Well, Penuche gave me an earful just now!  I included him in the video credits but inadvertently, he was omitted from the roster….Jeez, chill out “white shadow.”



On a brighter note, I was able to expand our reach in the Midwest!   I’d like to welcome, Smith and Wesson.   Yeah, I know they are poodles, but are you going to mess with anyone named, “Smith and Wesson?”
 

They will be known as E.S.P.N. (Elkhorn Standard Poodle Network).  Smith and Wesson, That's really their names!

Little Big Time is back from vacation with all these crazy ideas.  I had to use a bark collar on him during the meeting because he wouldn't shut up.  
 
 

Hot stuff and I took a weekend retreat to discuss our annual budget.  I’m happy to say that I have secured a seemingly unlimited supply of Cookies. Charlotte, at Quality Liquors, has a box just for me and my gang.  Just tell her you’re with Cooper.  Also, the Village Tavern has rolled out the welcome mat for us.  Ask for Brian and tell him you’re with Cooper and the HOGS.  Right now we are also in negotiations with Howling Wolf. 


       Penuche, is pissed so if you see him, be sure to call him the “white shadow” and flash him the HOGS sign, (sit, shake, cookie).  We are accepting applications for consideration. To become a pledge, send me picture with your special skills, (thesalemdog@gmail.com). The gang will vote on it, and then I'll decide.


I'm/we are starting a novel,  if you want any of your stories to be included in my auto-biography let me know. The book will be:   Shelter Dog: Trials &Tribulations,   by Cooper D. Ely.  

The “D” is for Declan.  Quick question does anyone have a copy of Milo and Otis I can borrow, the library got all weird when I asked them. I need to do research for my book.

Here's a teaser of the eloquent prose I’ve constructed thus far,  

"Once upon a time, it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times, back then."
So far, that's all I have, thus far, and I think I have writer’s cramp.
Much More later...

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Essex Side Story


I just wanted everyone to know that I’m starting a gang.  The facts are below.

Gang name:  The H.O.G.S  (Hounds of Greater Salem) or H.O.E.S (Hounds of Essex Street).  We will vote on it when we have our first meeting and then I’ll decide.

Founding Members:  Me, Bailey, and Cyrus.

Actively Recruiting/Pledges:  Mille and Abbott

Actively Not Recruiting:  The stupid white poodle next door.

 

Rival Gangs:  The D.O.C.S (Dogs of Chestnut Street) and the D.O.R.C.S  (Dogs of Revere Condominiums)

Friendly Associations:  Topsfield Hounds,

Mission Statement:  I think mission statements are stupid and I’ll never be able to remember it so we aren’t going to have one, but pretty much we are trying to make Salem completely leash-free so it is easier to chase cats and squirrels.  Also, I want the white poodle to move.

Credo:  Long walks, big treats, no cats, no leash.

Gang hangouts:  Gulu-Gulu Café and the Village Tavern.  Also Leslie’s Retreat dog park and the Pickering Wharf area (We refer to it as Pickering Woof)

Activities:  Shedding and Mayhem.  Some philanthropic work with Northeast Animal Shelter.

Current News:   There is currently disaccord amongst the H.O.G.S. and an affiliate branch, the D.O.C.S. (Dogs of Chestnut Street).  Tensions rose as a D.O.C (probationary charter) violated squirrel-chasing treatise and H.O.G.  guidelines while on an otherwise routine mid-afternoon walk.

Active Members

Cooper:   Founding Father 


                Special Skills:  Con Artist and Grifter

                Alias:  C-Train

Bailey:  Right hand and huge fan of Joey Chestnuts

                Special Skills:  Disposal, especially of dirty socks

                Alias:  The Cleaner


Cyrus:  Hangs with Bailey and so I had to make him a member

                Special Skills:  Intimidation, Scary-looking

                Alias:  The Virus (If you get too close to him, you will get a virus—nuff said)

Winnie:  Great yard and stuff
 
 
Special skills:  Enabling and counter-intelligence

                Alias:  The Enabler
 
Coco:  Peak-bagger and high-altitude affiliate



                Special skills:  Jumping and selecting organic foods

                Alias:  Rocky Mountain

 

Gracie:  One of our Rhode Island affiliates
 

 

                Special Skills:  Flirting and barking at the TV

                Alias:   Sugah

Shae:  Like a tiger shark with fur
 

 

 

                Special Skills:  Razor-sharp teeth

                Alias:  Little Big Time

Sasha:  Holding down the Topsfield Turf

 

                Special Skills:  Shape-shifting

                Alias:  Hot stuff

Blue:  Holding down the west side (story to follow)
 
 

                Special Skills:  Beguilement and subterfuge

                Alias:  Pink eye

Lyka:  Can tear up a caribou in seconds

 

                Special Skills: Deception

                Alias:  Juvie

Lily:  In witness relocation program, I’ve already said too much

 

                Special skills:  Undisclosed

                Alias:  The Razor

Yoda:   The pride of Fort Johnson, NY (population- 212)

 

                Special Skills:  Mind control and Jedi-like reflexes

                Alias:  Yoda

Thurston Howell:  Runs stuff for me near Salem State and Sidelines on Canal St.

 

                Special Skills:  Gilligan’s Island Trivia and Extreme Prejudice

                Alias:  Short Stuff

 

PLEDGES

Mille:   Because she’s all about being friends with everybody

 

                Special Skills:  Wiggling

                Alias:  Chica

Abbott:  Southern man with a Salem plan
 
 

                Special skills:  Indifference

Alias:  Tex
 
Coming Soon:  Check out the trailer here!!!  Dogland--The Real Thing


Monday, July 22, 2013

Cooper’s Dog Day of Fun


 

0500:  They are still sleeping

0502:  They are still sleeping

0507:  Someone seems to be moving around in there

0531:  They are still sleeping

0545:  This is unprecedented.  Both of my parents are still asleep.  This is so awesome!  Nobody is in exercise clothes and waking me up with a bunch of lights and the occasional, “Hey Buddy” with a pat on the head

0600:  I heard an alarm and some talking.  I suspect they may be discussing how to spend the entire day with Cooper and what they can do to make it super fun.

0610:  I’m invited to join my parents on their bed, which is very tall.  For me, getting up there is not fun.  I sit perfectly at my dad’s side and whine.  It works.  He lifts me onto the bed, which is also directly in line with the fan.  I enjoy this.

0700:  Ankle still stinging after my fall from the really tall bed, I make my way out of the house with my dad.  It is so hot and humid out that I can’t fathom possibly enjoy my time with him.  I quickly realize we are going on a longer walk than normally I would go on with my dad and we end up at the waterfront.  I jump in the ocean,  half wishing a shark would just kill me so I don’t have to walk home in the heat.  I sit in the water neck deep and wonder if my dad remembered cookies for me.  Cooper doesn’t walk without cookies.

0810:  I’m pulled from the water and marched home.  It is even more humid when you are soaking wet. 

0900:  My mom is home from the gym.  I overhear something about my friend, Bailey.  She smells like body lotion.

0930:  I’m chauffeured to the Salem Willows where the cool refreshing ocean and my friend Bailey await.  Cyrus was there.

0932:  The water remains  refreshing while tennis balls and dog cookies fly through the air like a swarm of locusts.  It is wonderful.

1100:   After a brief respite at home in the air conditioner, I’m being leashed up to go somewhere again.  I’m not sure if my parents realize that it is 114 degrees outside.  As anxious as I am to have an unabashed day of fun, I question how much fun it can really be when I fear I may actually spontaneously combust.

1105:  Holy crap! We are going to the dog park!  I’m going to see all my friends!

1110:  There is music and hot dogs, both edible ones on a bun and the ones walking around on the end of a leash.  There are swimming pools.  There are dog cookies and Kevlar.  There is an agility course.  The sidewalk is super hot.

1131:  I rock the agility course to Lynyrd Skynyrd and earn cookies.

1206:  Cooper’s big day of fun ends abruptly.  http://youtu.be/j4RLYtwUBAw

 ________________________________________________________
Cooper’s Weigh-In Day 7/22/2013 (My 10lb. Summer continues)

Weight:  87lbs.  (Down 7 lbs!)

Height:  1’ 10” (22 inches)

BMI (Body Mass Index):  126.4